Many of the dads who subscribe to this newsletter have one or even two of their
kids in diapers. While you are in the unchanging world of naps, changing diapers, and
bottles there seems to be no end to it. The first milestones seem to come as things
disappear.. first the umbilical cord (I saved my son's ...it looks like a raisin), then
the jolly jumper, walker, and the bottles. Finally you haul the crib and the highchair to
the cellar.
But the biggest thing to
disappear from your home is your own child. It happens the day your first child gets on
the bus for 1st grade down the road to independence. As Steven Amaya, dad of 6 1/2 year
old Avery says, "When kids hit milestones we celebrate their growth while feeling the
ache of time as it passes, and there were certainly a lot of mixed feelings when my
daughter Avery went off to First Grade. In her babyhood, whenever my foot was pinned
beneath the rails of the daddytrack, First Grade was the Great Shining Light at the end of
the tunnel and held the promise of great chunks of time for thinking adult thoughts, for
resuscitation of a career, time for time itself uninterrupted. That time finally came this
past fall, and while I began to enjoy the fruits of her maturity, I also got to witness
her blossoming independence, and that brings on a new sort of hopeful blues."
Hopeful blues...you are alone
once again, and when the youngest child takes that bus, what do you hope for next? What do
you do for an encore? Continue to stay home so you can be there when the bus comes back?
Do you really get chunks of free time for yourself as you envisioned? Should you get a
part time/full time job outside or in the house? According to researcher Robert Frank's
1996 survey of At-Home Dad newsletter readers, 75% of the dads questioned planned on
returning to "work" when their youngest kid entered grade school.
One of those dads was Phil
Isis who says "We are now once again a two income family. A good friend of mine just
happened to need help with his property maintenance business. Talk about spontaneous
timing. I started out part time but have since gone full time and everything is working
great. I have enough flexibility to pick my youngest up from school and go to all soccer
games and practices. I also still do the laundry, house cleaning, shopping and the never
ending landscaping project on our home. Old habits are hard to break.
Jesse Seagraves of Old
Hickory, Tennessee stuck an ominous note for those thinking of returning to work after an
extended stay at home. After 14 years raising his daughter he couldn't find a job and
returned to school to earn his MBA. He notes, "The problem seems to be that employers
believe that if you haven't worked at a paying job in a number of years you can't be
serious about wanting to return to work." He offers the following advice. "Once
your kids are old enough to start school, even if only for half a day. Employers need to
see that you have kept your skills current."
So what about the 25% of the
dads who continue to stay home? Casey Spencer of is now wrestling with this issue,
"Let's face it, it isn't easy to convince myself, or my wife, that we will
"need" me to be home as much as I am now. After all, if my girl is away at
school 4 hours a day, don't I owe it to my family to at least edge my way back into
"productive" (i.e. "paid") work? The guilt is eating at me because I
don't think this will be easy to confront. It might just be easier to stop making a joke
about how I'll be sitting in the back of all her classes and make it a plan. In reality, I
hope very strongly that I can afford the luxury we have now, one which allows me to devote
all of my time to my family and none to breadwinning. I anticipate a new round of
embarrassment ("what do you do all day while your kid is at school?") yet at the
same time I anticipate that our family would benefit by the contributions I can make which
are "on hold" right now, as well as the benefits in being closely involved in my
girls' schooling."
Steve Klem of Cocoa Beach FL,
while writing the following in the "Daddyslist" e-mail listserv (Go here for info on Listservs),
noted that he already made up his mind on returning to work. He wrote "I had made no
real plans as to what would happen when the kids went to school. As far as I'm concerned,
my job will continue and be just as important if not more so when they DO go to school.
One of the things I missed as a kid was having involved parents in my life. As early as I
can remember, we were always doing the latch-key thing.....I used to hate coming home to
an empty house and worse yet, I hated staying at school... So I don't want that kind of
environment for my kids... Even though they may not always come home, I want them to know
that home will be the sanctuary for them it should be. Society makes a big joke about the
fact that the days of June Cleaver etc.. are long gone.. but my question to society and to
each of us, is, do they have to be?? Now we certainly don't look like June, don't get me
wrong, but can we not create and make the same type of home that they did? I think the
answer is yes, and I don't think it is impossible just simply because we are men and our
predecessors have been women."
Another big change ahead is
how your lifestyle will change around the house. Bill clifford of Lindenhurst, NY, father
of 3 kids notes, "My daughter (13) has discovered the telephone. After a day of being
with her friends in school, she promptly comes home to spend what seems like the rest of
the day on the phone! My son (11) wears those baggy jeans (yuck!), loves heavy metal
(better than rap) and can't understand why he can't stay up to midnight every night. My
younger daughter (10) wants to eat cereal 24 hours a day, watch R movies and spend the
rest of the time fighting with her older sister! What's that saying? Little kids, little
problems -- bigger kids, bigger problems. They're great kids though and I don't know what
I'd do with out them except regain my sanity, perhaps."
So is it easier to go through
a day with out changing diapers, bottles, and dragging around car seats? Hendrich Hyder of
Plano, TX was generous enough to send me a blow by blow account of his day with his son so
you could decide for yourself. Here's an excerpt...."6:30 am wake and get lunch and
breakfast for the boy. 7:20 to the bus stop right outside our door (thank goodness) been
known to tie our shoes on the bus. 8:00 dog gets his fair share with 45 min to 1 hr walk
in virtually any kind of weather today rain and wind. 10:00 to 12:00 volunteer at school,
enjoyable adult conversation, light work. 12:15 to 2:45 errands and stuff. 3:00 pick up
boy and 4 friends to be dropped off at cubscouts not my turn to stay and help free time
till 4:30. Home by 5:00, boy needs snack and change into soccer clothes for special
practice at 5:30 (god knows they need it), Had to stay and help shag stray kicked balls
ended up running round more than kids. Home by 6:30, Boy starts home work have to sit at
table with him for support and help. Fix boy's dinner cause "I'm starving, do we have
to wait for Mom?" 6:50 wife calls on way home "what's for dinner?" (Sorry
Hyndrich but I couldn't fit your whole account.. but let's just say the wife comes home
"frazzled" and the boy hits the sack by 8:30 after watching the Olympics). Mmm
not bad.
Scott Manifold who also has
one child says the days are much easier for him even when his son just went to
kindergarten, "Mornings are much less hectic. We don't have to be anywhere, and when
the bus picks him up at 12:45, my two year old daughter goes down for a nap. I actually,
on some days anyway, have a good two hours of "free time" to get some things
done around the house, like breakfast and lunch dishes and maybe even some laundry!! The
other change is that there are a lot more kids to interact with. There are a whole lot
more kids in our neighborhood than we ever knew about."
Casey notes of the fears any
parent might have when watching their kid go off to school... "Another emotional
issue I anticipate is the fact that I'm "giving away" my girl, relinquishing
control, if you will. I'll be entrusting her care not only to strangers, but to an
institution!
However, once the kids get
into school the dads realize they can become involved and continue to have some control as
life seems to shift from home to school activities. Manifold notes of his son's school,
I've gotten into room parenting for Alex's class. I even "got" to organize this
years Holiday Party. Alex's teacher was surprised at having a dad so involved, but I've
noticed that the majority of parents that pick up the kids are often the dads.
John Slevens notes of the
inevitable accusations your kids may face while in school from other schoomates or
teachers, "Always give your kids the benefit of the doubt. Never believe they are
angels--but always reserve your opinions on what they did after you interview the accusers
and the ones in authority."
Another big topic seems to be
the school nurse, Clifford says, "The first thing I learned about grade school was
where to find the nurse's office. I was to become a regular there. And yet somehow there
was usually a miraculous recovery as soon as 4:00 rolled around and their friends came to
call! Of course that stomach ache disappeared as soon as I went to get a piece of cake.
"Oh Dad,it hurt alot then but it feels better now". I've also noticed now that
they're in 4th, 6th & 7th grades, we don't get notes home from the teacher about
reports and when they're due. This usually means that 7PM on Sunday evening there is a
sudden "remembrance". "I forgot to tell you but I have a report due
tomorrow."
Amaya sums it up the best,
"I've become aware of a pattern, a kind of wave. When she was first born, my emotions
were up and on the surface, and that's where the action was -- I was falling in love.
Then, when the responsibilities found a routine and tasks and schedules ruled the day, the
physical part of being a parent came to the fore. Now, with her developing autonomy, a
sense of inevitable separation has emerged, bringing some pangs. At least now I have time
for pangs. I suspect this pattern of emotions trading places with duties will continue
indefinitely, through the blend of school, her sense of self, dating (yikes), driving,
college, marriage, her own parenthood... somebody stop me...
In the final analysis, I think
Life After Kindergarten is harder on the heartstrings but much easier on the lower
back."
At-Home Dad
