Fathers World | Dr. Ted Said...

Dr. Ted said...

Questions

Mind Gym

Mental Floss

IDENTITY CRISIS

I thought that I would ramble on about identity for a while. You know, who am I, who are you, who are we, what is the meaning of life? Not that anyone submitted any questions to me about identity, but, almost every question I received raised identity questions in one way or another. As a card carrying psychotherapist, at times I have to assign the people working with me to one or more of the various categories listed in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Volume IV (quite a catchy title). In that ominous book it states that category #313.82, "Identity Problem," can be used when there is "uncertainty about multiple issues relating to identity such as long-term goals, career choice, friendship patterns, sexual orientation and behavior, moral values, and group loyalties." Any chance that you might fit into this category? I know that I do.

With whom or with what do I identify? What does the label attached to the fabric of my life say, other than wash gently and do not use bleach? I am a male, single, previously married, a father, a son, a brother, a therapist, a coach, a friend, an educator, a community member, a book lover, a friend to animals, and on and on and on. So what is my identity?

At some of my group programs we do a beginning exercise where each of the participants introduce themselves to each other in a maximum of 15 seconds. The first few word suttered is the " identity label." My name is Howard and I'm a diabetic. People with diabetes almost always identify themselves as diabetics, rather than people with diabetes. People with heart disease don't usually say, "My name is Howard and I'm a heart disease." Just like people with cancer don't usually say, "I'm a cancer." When someone does say, "I'm a cancer," it is safe to assume that they are speaking astrologically, not medically. Just as some people are their disease, others are their occupation. Hi, I'm a biology teacher , my name is Philip. "A" my name is Adam, and my wife's name is Alice, and we live in Alaska, and we sell Apples.

People do tend to use their marital status, and/or parent status, as a primary identity label. Hi, my name is Phyllis, I'm married, and I work as . . . or, Hi, my name is Joan and I'm a single parent of three wonderful kids . . . or, I'm a real estate attorney in private practice and a mother of three . . . or, I'm a married mother of three working as a computer consultant . . . or, as one womanrecently said to me, "I'm a mother of two toddlers, I'm married, and I'm self-employed as a homemaker."

People rarely use their emotional status as a primary identity label. Hi, I'm hanging on by a thread and my name doesn't even matter . . . or, Hi, I'm going through some really depressing moments and . . . With even less frequency (somewhere around zero) people verbally identify themselves by their actual dollar income . Rather than telling others if we are riding high or low on the economic rollercoaster, we try to nonverbally present the "right" socioeconomic picture.

As an aside, most people, in the safety and securtiy of my office, will tell me EVERYTHING about anything, except how much money they make. But anyway, this isn't about which identity label is right or wrong or better or best. It's about your identity.

How you ask your question tells me something (a lot or a little) about you, or really, about how you see you. And, of course, my answer reveals something (sometimes more, sometimes less ) about me. If you choose to give me a "good enough" identity label with each of your questions, I'll do my best to provide an answer that fits who you are. "Good enough," by the way, is a key part of my professional identity label. "Good enough," as a concept which I'll define and clarify as we go along, is part of almost every goal I help my clients strive to achieve.

Send your questions to Dr. Ted at: drtedsaid@fathersworld.com

Dr. Ted Horowitz is a psychotherapist who specilaizes in coaching divorced and widowed parents to manage their lives with optimum effectiveness. His practice is in Queens and Port Jefferson Station, NY. He is a single father of four.

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