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Q. My wife and I have one daughter, age 8, and we disagree on most matters that concern her. Two weekends ago one of my friends and his 7year old daughter were over for a playdate. In the middle of the afternoon his daughter came downstairs from my daughter's room and announced to her father and me that my daughter had confessed to stealing a pencil from a classmate. My daughter followed behind and explained that her classmate had dropped a few Disney pencils and that she helped her classmate pick them up but "had to keep one" for herself. I told her this was stealing, which she knows is wrong, and that she had to return the pencil on Monday.

I thought that was going to be it but my daughter was angry at the other girl for telling on her,refused to play with her, and still refuses to get together with her after over a week. My wife and my friend say I handled it wrong, but really can't tell me how they think it should have been handled. What do you think?!

A. Obviously, your daughter should not have kept the pencil and you had to reprimand her at the time. However, I am concerned about the behavior of your friend's daughter. Your daughter is correct - - - her friend betrayed her. It seems like this "crime" or "breach of the ethics of friendship" went unnoticed. If your friend's daughter had received some signs of parental displeasure at her willingness to "tell" on her friend, the two friends might still be playing together. If your friend's daughter had told her father in private, then he could have told you and you could have approached your child. That is really the error in the other girl's judgement that could have, and still should be, addressed - - - tell your dad or your mom, not your friend's dad or mom. You don't just "tell" on someone without thinking about it and the possible consequences to the other person as well as to yourself. Trust your own parents to tell you what you should do with "secrets."

Did you see Al Pacino in "Scent of a Woman?" Remember the scene at the end when the students are on trial? If not, I suggest you and your friend (not with your daughters) see the film. I assume that your wife and friend say you handled things "wrong" since the girls are now feuding.

I'm surprised that they would say so without telling you a "better" way the incident could have been handled. I really can't say anything more as I know very little about any of you. I can say, however, that marital disagreements over all aspects of parenting is not a good indicator of the likelihood of long term marital satisfaction, to say the least! Are your disagreements really as often as you imply - - - or does it just seem that way today? Or, is parenting just one of the many areas the two of you disagree over. The answer matters, so give it some thought. You might want to look at the question below about compromise.
Thanks for the question.

Q. A friend of mine recently heard you talk at a Temple in Suffolk County on the subject of single fathers. She said you had some interesting ideas about custody and visitation arrangements. I have a ten year old son and a twelve and a half year old daughter. I see them one evening during the week and on alternate weekends. The two of them have very different interests and desires. If I am doing something to make one happy, the other one isn't. The two bicker with each other and battle over my attention. It's at the point where none of us are, to be honest, really enjoying our family time together.
Any ideas?

A. Absolutely. Trying to simultaneously please your two children doesn''t work for them and doesn't work for you either. . . or should I say it's nothing but work! I suggest that you and your ex-wife make a major change in your visitation schedule (I need a new term for "visitation," so send in your ideas).

This would be to replace your 2 weekends a month with 3 weekends a month. Weekend #1 is with your son only. Activities are selected around his needs and desires. Weekend #2 is with your daughter only. Activities are selected around her needs and desires. Weekend #3 is with both your son and your daughter. You select activities that best meet your needs and desires as a single father hosting active "family together time." With this schedule, each child is still with you only 2 weekends a month, but has had a huge chunk of your undivided attention. You get to spend 3 weekends a month with one or more of your children, instead of only 2 weekends. Your ex-wife also gets to spend 3 weekends a month with a least one of her children and has to spend only 1 weekend a month , instead of 2 weekends a month, without either of her children (while it may not be the case, I'm assuming this would be a plus for her). I think everyone wins. What do you think? Don't expect the legal system to get creative for you. You have to solve it yourself. I hope this idea helps. I would love to know what you ultimately come up with. Please let me know.

Q. You told a friend of mine and her husband that you don't believe in compromise. Isn't marital counseling all about how to compromise? How can a marriage work without compromise? My marriage hasn't been going well for years and I finally got my husband to agree to counseling so he could learn how to compromise. Am I on the wrong track?

A. Will Rogers said that even if you're on the right track you'll get run over if you just sit there. It seems like you're on the right track but, then again, a good locomotive engineer knows how to read the signals and make changes as necessary. In any event, I think your friend (who is your friend?) is quoting me out of context. What I have said to a number of people is that in compromise both parties wind-up unsatisfied or dissatisfied and, sometimes, frustrated. This, of course, does not have to be a bad thing. As you point out, compromise is a vital and crucial part of all successful relationships. But the word as a process means that I give up some of what I want and you give up some of what you want. You leave the table a little hungry as do I.

The other side of the coin, or perhaps I should say table, is also true. That is, sometimes you need to eat a full plate of exactly what you want to eat and walk away from the table fully satisfied. In general, I have found that couples do better in the long run with the " all or none" type of compromise - - - this time it's your way, next time it's my way. Learning how and when to compromise is an important coupling skill. A subdirectory of that skill is knowing when to go for the "shared" compromise and when to go for the "all or none" compromise. If you want to e-mail me a specific situation, I'll be glad to give you some compromise options. Good luck with the counseling.

Q. & A. I received two questions this past week about fatherhood at a "difficult" age. One was from a 16 year old unmarried boy with a 20 month old son. The other was from a 57 year old married man with a 5 year old daughter. Both of these guys have questions about the complications, as they see them, of fathering at an age when the other fathers in the "playground and bowling alley" are either significantly older or younger than they are. The children of very young men get their father's energy. The children of older men get their father's wisdom. The two of you can each give your kids the best personal resources of your stage of life, and learn how to compensate for the resources you lack.

Don't let the age differences prevent you from joining groups and activities designed for fathers. No wife and living with mom? Join Parents Without Partners and you'll discover how many older single dads are also living with, and depending on, mom. You don't have the stamina for coaching the football team? How about golf or art or music lessons and clubs? Those older or younger than you will learn as much from you as you will from them. Don't deprive yourselves, or your children, because you feel like you
don't fit in. It's okay to feel awkward and uncomfortable, but do it anyway.
There are no wrong feelings, only wrong actions.

Send your questions to Dr. Ted at: drtedsaid@fathersworld.com

Dr. Ted Horowitz is a psychotherapist who specilaizes in coaching divorced and widowed parents to manage their lives with optimum effectiveness. His practice is in Queens and Port Jefferson Station, NY. He is a single father of four.

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