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21st Century Man

I haven't heard much lately about any upcoming harmonic convergence. Wasn't that going to change things around here? Maybe it did and I missed it. I have, however, heard about an upcoming worldwide meditation for peace. Whatever works, I say. That radical Abbie Hoffman always did claim that they were indeed able to levitate the Pentagon for peace back in '68, that it spun in the air and glowed orange, even if no one else quite saw it. We should all be bracing ourselves for a plethora of such cosmic karma convergencies, given the imminence of 2K, or, as the folks from Mars would have it (the candy company, not the planet), "M & M."

In preparation for this millennial change, I am keeping my eye out for strange sightings; you know, birds in strange formations, numerological coincidence. And my search has not been in vain. Just last week we had here a sort of convergence. As practicing atheists (we never can quite get it right), Nancy and I reserve the right to celebrate any and all holidays we please, as if holidays are a sort of spiritual smorgasbord. This year that led us to pass two days of Passover with her family, followed by a full day of bunnies and eggs and other pagan rites, followed the next day (and here is the crazy karma bit) by our daughter's fourth birthday. While this convergence of dates has little meaning for the rest of the planet, it has been a time ripe with opportunity to do a bit of sociological research, given the richness of this series of rites of passage.

At times like this, when we hearken back to earlier eras through old rituals, bitter roots, ancient Hebrew chants, little sugar eggs in plastic grass nests, one notices how little things have changed. Kids still fight over the best bits, and the women still do most of the cooking. Is this continuity with the past something for us to be proud of? I know I feel more than a little uncomfortable lounging with the guys chatting, while the women folk cook in the kitchen, but I do still do it.

There is a sort of "meant to be" quality to overhearing the bustle of cooking in the other room, regardless of the gender of the chefs. Though there is no doubt in my mind that most of the men and women involved in Nancy's family's Passover prep agree in theory with ideals of equally, I'd bet most of them too, men and women, find satisfaction in playing out the rolls at this holiday that they know millenniums of generations before them have. Gender stereotyping arises from these ancient cycles making it difficult to understand, much less subvert.

Recent data, however, suggests that men and women are in fact moving towards more equality in the domestic realm. A study just released by the Families and Work Institute (http://www.familiesandworkinst.org/) suggests that men are doing more at home. (Though the Families and Work Institute appears to be funded primarily by large corporations, and so probably reflects their agenda, they have none-the-less generated some interesting and timely studies and books on fathering.) While this study's findings may be just a minor blip over eons of history and herstory, it is a blip during our lifetimes, and so worthy of note.

Over the last 20 year, we are told, U.S. men as a group have radically changed their behavior in the areas of housekeeping and child care. Men are now spending 75% of the time that women spend on these tasks, as compared to 30% in 1977. Women in turn have slightly decreased the amount of time they spend on housework and child care. At the same time, 70% of parents say they do not have enough time to spend with their children. While there are no big surprises in the findings of this study, it is good to see men getting credit for riding the wave of change the last 20 or 30 years have wrought. For many it has been a struggle.

Twenty years ago I believed real change came only in sudden surges, revolutions, maybe even cosmic alignments. At times I've even worked to foment such radical change. But these days I am less sure. Perhaps this comes in part from watching a child, my daughter, grow day to day. She has changed radically in her short life, but not suddenly. Even what appears sudden, like the day she insisted we mail off all her pacifiers, are changes that have taken painstaking and often painful preparation. So too with changes in our behavior around gender related issues.

It is harder and harder for men to see the privilege we garner simply by gender. And this is good, a sign that many of the more overt forms of women's oppression are being removed. But what is left is more insidious, harder to see, harder to alleviate. And just to confuse things, the oppression men experience becomes more obvious as their privileges diminish. Some of the most vocal men on this issue are single fathers who feel the courts and larger society discriminate against them because they are not mothers. It can be shocking to suddenly discover one is oppressed after years of being called the oppressor.

At my daughter's birthday she wore once more her Halloween costume, a purple and white full length gown with golden sequined lace. I was once very proud to point out to who ever would listen that I sewed that dress myself. But after six months of exceptional praise for this one feat of tailoring, I find myself a little ashamed. I sewed one thing. Granted it is big and fluffy, but I cut corners, I skipped the lining. Look at those seams, they are horrible. But I am now known in my daughter's preschool as the father who sewed the costume himself.

What about all those women who sew all their kids clothes? The ones who are artists with thread? The ones who have no choice? Who raves for their hard work? I sew one thing, one useless frivolity, and I get treated like a king. What gives?

The amazed praise I garnered for this feat was mostly from women. Women who, according to the Families and Work study, probably no longer have time to sew, if they ever did. It did not seem like the kind of praise which would welcome me to the circle of parents who sew. If anything it felt like the false praise of those who fear they are losing something. Maybe I make too much of this, but not one women said to me what I have now come to think, "what's the big deal? Lots of parents sew. You think as a man you deserve special praise?"

Men do deserve special praise, at least for a few moments, for doing 75% of the work women do, for working to let go of what often appears to be privilege. Then after a bow, they've got to get back out there and try just a little harder. Who can say 100 percent! And women need to see and appreciate the hard changes men have made, the trauma of learning you are not really on top anymore, if you ever were. And then they've got to nudge those guys back into the nursery, behind the vacuum, into the Kosher kitchen. It is a brave new world. It is millennial change. Maybe it is almost a radical revolution, even if no one else quite sees it. But it isn't easy for anyone.

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