Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 1, originally appeared in print - April 1991
There are two boxes - one called "man" and one called "woman." The doctor held each of us up by our feet, slapped our butts, glanced at our crotches and tossed us into one of the two boxes. I was tossed into the box called "man."
Living in the "man" box is no easy task. In the "man" box: approval is becoming "one of the guys"; accep- tance means don't rock the box or question; and love is just a four letter word for sex. In the "man" box we have what we call "male bonding" where we get together with other men - free to belch and scratch ourselves. We guzzle beer updating each other on sports events and power tools, boasting about how much money we make and how great we are with women. Although the boundaries of the "man" box are expanding, baby formula and Big Bird still cease to exist in the "male" lective conscience.
As stay at home fathers, know that if you defy the established rituals of manhood... you find yourself alone. The unfortunate truth, however, is that if you're accepted for being someone that you're not, you're alone anyway.
When my wife became pregnant with our daughter, I quit my office job to become a full-time dad. My motivation stemmed from my childhood. A victim of the "man" box, my father was trapped in the illusion of what he felt he was supposed to be as a man and a father - the box had become his reality. As his "son," I could tell that he was frustrated and confused when I did not stay within the sacred "masculine" parameters. I outwardly hated football; I chose to pay someone to fix my car rather than repair it myself, I loved to go shopping; I liked flowers; my best friend in high school was a girl (who is now my wife,) and when our daughter was born, my wife went off to work and I stayed home with the baby. If I had rebelled against any other system my dad would have perceived me as the tough guy that he had expected, but instead I re belled against the very core by which he defined our gender.
As a man and a father, my dad was my role model. People tend to think of a role model as someone to emu- late, but in my case, my father taught me what not to become. I'm still the same questioning little boy, only now my role model is the most amazing example of simplicity and self-freedom I have ever encountered - my two year old daughter.
Being a full-time dad continues to broaden my boundaries as a man and a father. It has become clear to me that one of the most important things I can give my child is the gift of self acceptance - to create an uncondi- tional (unboxed) environment where she can discover the very essence of what makes each of us special.
There are two boxes - one called "man" and one called "woman." Like us, our children will be tossed into one of the two boxes where they will submit to its restrictions or challenge its boundaries. Life if brimming with difficult questions, but example is a powerful teacher. You can be threatened by change, or you can thrive on it, but either way, you are a role model to your children.
Copyright 1991 By T-Grey Parker
Copyright Full-Time Dads. All rights reserved.
Don't use any of this stuff without asking!
Contact Chris Stafford via e-mail to ftd@visi.com