Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 1, originally appeared in print - April 1991
It seems in every movie about the Mafia there is a character who has a line about how he "made his bones," referring to the longtime initiation ritual of killing someone to prove your fealty to the capo, or the family. There is a great deal of irony in using this symbolism for a killing. It seems so much more appropriate to the life-giving actions of fathering. Fathers quite literally "make their bones."
The conception of a chid, by itself, doesn't make a man a father. However, fathering begins before birth. Women carry the baby, but for a man to become a father he must share the burden. It seems trite to say, but a lot of men are not getting the message. Rates of single parenting by women, in comparison to single male parents, are over 98 to 2. That figure, unfortunately, is not tremendously better when we look at male/female couples who actively chose to create a baby. And, if women carry the baby for nine months, and the burden too, they have every right to be angry if they do not get support from the man who was ready, willing and able to provide the sperm earlier.
Actually, gentlemen, it is a blessing that fathering begins before birth. We need the practice because patenting is THE hardest job you'll ever have. The greatest joy, the deepest heartache, too. Your baby will have an infintely better chance at a healthy birth, and a happy life, if you begin to care about and for it by creating a loving atmosphere for its mother.
The necessary habits of selflessness and patience are a gift that a man gives to three: the mother, his baby, and himself. Thus, the first step in getting to be a father is to nurture your mate. The key is to pro-actively attend to her needs. Your job is to minimize stressors, and make sure she is eating a nutritious diet, is seeing a midwife or doctor for prenatal care, and is not consuming alcohol, drugs, or tobacco. If she has a tendency to abuse herself in these ways your very first responsibility as a father is to help her stop immediately. You owe this to your baby.
It is powerful to remember that you two are not having the first baby in history. I'll admit it's easy to forget that point. Good common sense is the main ingredient for success. That and an attitude of self-confidence will get you through the vast majority of what it's about. List your resources. Female relatives who have had children, women friends, too. Someday, if we men get good at fathering, that type of thinking will be passe and you'll turn to older males, also. In the movie, "Parenthood," the character Todd, soon to become a father himself, recounts some of the abuse and bitterness he was subjected to as a child. He concludes by exclaimin the sad fact, "Ya know, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish, but they'll let any butt-reaming asshole have a kid."
If you have taken the time to read a publication like this, I expect that you probably don't fit the picture presented by Todd. However, you would be the exception if you were a man who pro-actively nurtured, first his mate, and then his children. Afterall, what percentage of men got to witness this type of behavior in any man? Where will men learn it? More importantly, where will men see the positive reward that comes to a man who masters this task of fathering? The blessings are indeed great, and it is up to us to spread the word. If your son's and mine grow up having experienced and seen you actively, and in a positive way, being a father it would effect a true sea-change in our society.
I assisted in the delivery of my son, Levi, on a cold, wintery night in a small farmhouse near Aitkin, Minnesota. It's funny how we rarely see in advance when the most important incidents in our lives are unfolding. You see, I'm not Levi's biological father, and was only intending to visit an old friend from Alaska back in 1984 when I arrived at her farm. She was pregnant and the man who had planted the seed was not available to be the father. I agreed to do Lamaze classes, and coach the birth, and then I was going to leave. As fate would have it, the day she went into labor there was an icy and windy storm. The midwife who was scheduled to assist was leaving from 120 miles away to do the birth. As the day progressed and her labor became more intense, we agreed to have her go to the hospital and to that end I warmed her car up, scraped the windows, etc., and we were set to leave when the midwife arrived. Through the night and into the early morning hours she struggled. We breathed together, swore, yelled, and pushed. Actually I take little credit, however, it brought tears to my eyes to recall this birth.
A man is a fool to miss out on the birth of his child. Finally, amid tears and sweat and some blood, Levi arrived right on time. He was a little wrinkled baby, with a head full of dark hair, big eyes, and a siightiy confused look on his face. As I cut his umbilical cord and laid him on his mothers breast I remember how completely awed I was, and as it worked out I began my fathering then and there. Levi is now six-and-a-haIf years old and lives with me while attending kindergarten. We, who are different races and legally aren't related, have forged a magnetic father/son relationship.
Noone we know, especially ourselves, could picture us not being related. And while that scenario is no doubt not too common, it is common to be- come a father by marriage, re-marriage, adoption, and other ways. Even more common, and I think unacknowledged, are the father-like relationships we forge with children of friends, and siblings. And these are to be respected and treated with care. These These important relationships deserve to be treated in another forum. I'm simply illustrating the myriad ways we get to become fathers.
The commitment of your time is the basic requirement that makes it possible for you to become a father. Any damn fool can change a pre-shaped, pre-glued diaper. Fathering is a subtle combination of wisdom, humor, and patience. What have I left out? Fathering is knowing when to talk, when to walk, and when to rock- It is knowing how to hold and how to scold. This knowledge comes with time. Time. There are no short-cuts
It is very disturbing to see the focus of many parents on this concept of "quality time" vs."my time." If a man is a father he has agreed to set aside his own interests, and give to his child, his time. Not all of it, of course. But better to fall on the side of having given too much than not enough. Your child sees, with a clarity you don't have, what you really give your time to. Money means not a thing to your toddler, and far less to your teenager than is generally believed, compared to you. Expensive birthday presents or Cgristmas "loot" is not recalled by your children in the way that regular bedtime stories and generous snuggling are. It is a very easy mistake to believe that because you work hard and have the ability to provide expensive things that this is equal to you. Your kids can get sucked into materialism, especially after hours of television commercials, and have you believe that if you just spent more money on this or that they would love you forever.
Bunk. What they'll grow up remembering is how they never saw their dad because he was at work. Society doesn't need another generation of boys growing up without role models of involved, positive, loving, silly, huggy, disciplined fathers. Fathering starts early and stays late. Smile.
Copyright 1991 Mark Schlemmer
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