Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 1, originally appeared in print - April 1991
No doubt many of us participating in full-time fatherhood have been affected by the outbreak of war in the Persian Gulf in ways that, had we not been full-time parents, would have been very different. As I lay with my children watching the evening news and the story emerged, I wept.
I wept not because of the abstract commitments I have to non-violence, peace, and world order, but because I immediately thought of the children. The children who would suffer immediately and directly from the weapons of destruction we would deliver upon Iraq were the first to come to mind. As time has gone on, I have been struck by the tragedy of the children of soldiers, who must experience the constant potential of the suffering, disfigurement, maiming, torture, or death that their parents are exposed to. No matter what the politics anyone has, the sheer terror and fear that all the children suffer is tragic.
There seems to be "familial" consequences of decisions made primarily by a group of men and intimately two men in particular: George Bush and Saddam Hussein. As I tried to make sense of all this tragedy, I began to make connections between the experiences of these two men. A friend of mine brought the connection home to me when she wrote the following letter to the Ft. Wayne Gazette.
"As my children greeted me this morning with their hugs and cbeerful voices, it struck me again that the lives of tens of thousands of American sons and daughters and Iraqi sons and daughters are immediately threatened by impending war in the Middle East. r\
"We can't wait! says our government. Who of us mothers wouldn't wait days and weeks and years, if those days, weeks and years could befilled with laughter and singing of our children?"
Kathleen Fry-Miller
Fort Wayne, Indiana
I then previewed "The Little Mermaid" with my three year oldd aughter and was horrified as Ariel's father completely destroyed everything that was "human" when she disobeyed her father by going to the surface. It seems that a typical male response to conflict, is to attempt to destroy the source of the conflict. We also seem to view this response as "normal." Only through parenting, and the constant compro- mise and flexibility that nurturing of children requires, have I realized how "male" my responses can be. My children have taught me to wait. They have taught me that there are ways of perceiving events and conflict that are different than my own. Most of all they have taught me to listen and be patient.
Perhaps if George Bush and Saddam Hussem had for five or ten years abandoned the "Daddy track" they were caught in to care for their children full-time, they would have done things differently. Parenting can give us skills and insights that can be immensely valuable in dealing with the world. I hope all men and women who took up arms can come home to their children. I hope that children can obtain and teach their parents new ways of deal-ing with conflict. We can attempt to destroy the sources, but conflict wfll remain a part of family, national and global life.
I hope my children learn as much from me as they have taught me. We must all learn from and listen to the children; our children, Iraqi children, and the children of the world. While we engage in this war, I weep for them, for me, and our nation.
Copyright 1991 Dave Ball
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