Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 1, originally appeared in print - April 1991
When I first began my career as parent who stays at home with the children, everyone who learned about the situation said, "Hey, just like the guy in the movie, Mr. Mom!" I cringed at the thought.
Although I hadn't seen the film, I easily imagined what Hollywood would do, Creating a bumbling male burning the meat loaf, sending clouds of soapsuds from the washing machine down the hall, going crazy with coping with long days of child care, and trying to remain macho in the eyes of his buddies. It was clear that people had the wrong idea of what my role was all about- Come to think of it, I wasn't sure what my new job entailed. I knew that a real full-time dad wasn't someone who described whathewas doing as babysitting his own kids. I found that I was assuming the full role of parent that was normally reserved for the woman. As time passed, I learned some telltale signs of the true full-time father: the man who has to explain to his wife how to properly wash diapers; someone who watches with envy as the kids run to greet their mother at the door when she comes home from work; and the man who can bake cookies, do the laundry, vacuum the floor and amuse a baby, all at the same time.
Once I knew what full-time fathering was, I still needed to find a suitable name for it to avoid the "Mr. Mom," comments. Househusband simply rubbed me the wrong way in the same way that housewife does to millions of women. It sounds like the hired help. And I do this job to take care of the kids, not the house. Our pediatrician called me "primary caregiver," a term that sounds institutionalized, taking a concept as simple as parenting and creating a complex, meaningless word (like calling a layoff an "unplanned salary termination"). Someone suggested stay-at-home dad. When I was growing up, Bernie Zigenfuss, the kid next door, had a stay-at-home dad. I never saw him do anything but lie on the old green couch, always in the same stained tee shirt, with the only sign of change the continually growing pile of beer cans on the floor. That was not the image I wanted to foster.
I like full-time dad. it is catchy, casual, has no bitter aftertaste, yet supplies two essential facts: I am working at an important job, and my primary duties revolve around the children. But even full-time dad has a problem. It sort of sells the job short, making it sound easier than it really is. This is a 24-hour a day position, with no time off on the weekend. I work at least time-and-a- half. I just ask my friends to call me an overtime dad.
Copyright 1991 Craig Martin
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