Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue X, originally appeared in print - Month 199X
Welcome to Full-Time Dads. By way of introduction, I can tell you that I come to this journal as a full-time dad with ten years of experience. My decision to stay home and care for our children was a mutual agreement between my wife, Barbara, and myself before the conception of our first child. April marks the 10th anniversary of my being a full-time dad; this journal begins as my celebration of that anniversary. We have two children, Meghan, 10 years old, and Ryan, six years old. Without their love, support, patience, and teachings I could never have succeeded. My only regret over the past ten years is that there had not been any publication that I could relate to as a father caring for my children on a full-time basis. That regret ends with this issue. A more recent regret is that I didn't start this effort sooner. The full-time dads who I have talked with during the early stages of development have been not only interesting and supportive of my efforts, but also dedicated and committed fathers as well.
Realistically, I could not have started this magazine any earlier due to the time restraints that we encounter as full-time dad. We are all surprised, to varying degrees, by the limitations on our time as we care for our children. The commitment of time and energy is never fully appreciated until it becomes a daily routine, a fact that both men and women can't appreciate until they experience it fully.
Now that both of my children are in school, Meghan in the fourth grade, Ryan in half-day kindergarten, I have elected to use this "free" time towards developing Full-Time Dads as a support network, not only for fathers - married or single - who are care givers, but also for all fathers who need encouragement to assume the day-to-day care of their own children. I believe that fatherhood is a cultural ideal worth defending and welcome you to participate in its defense within, and without, these pages.
I enter this period of care giving for my children with mixed emotions. One feeling that I won't deny is that of relief that my children are moving beyond their need and desire for my constant care and attention. The other, equally strong feeling, is regret that they are moving beyond their need and desire for my constant care and attention. Such are the contradictions that we encounter daily in our lives as care givers. Our job is completed and successful only when our children no longer need us in their daily lives, a situation that many parents tell us may never fully occur. My personal experience is the foundation of this journal, the experience of being a married father with a supportive wife providing for the financial, as well as emotional, needs of our family. I want to make a special point that I feel all fathers who are in similar situations are the most fortunate. Single fathers, custodial fathers and joint care fathers working staggered shifts with their spouses to care for their children are also full-time fathers who also have the additional obligation of providing financially for their families care. All fathers who actively care for their children encounter many of the same reactions as do fathers who are referred to as "househusbands." Apparently, any father who elects to be active in his children's lives is considered somewhat misdirected in his priorities and suspect in his intentions. I invite all fathers who consider themselves to be full-time fathers to join this network where we place high value on fathering and encourage all fathers to do the same.
As we are well aware, there is currently much interest in, and discussion of, fathers as care givers. I have seen this interest come and go with regularity over the years. Unfortunately, the interest appears to be one of curiosity rather than an interest in viable options for families. With the deterioration of the family and the preponderance of child care alternatives, rarely are fathers taken into consideration as a realistic option for child care. This is unfortunate, we can verify that it works quite well and definitely has its personal rewards. It's not without its problem, of course, but that is all part of children's, as well as parental, development. If everything was always smooth sailing, quiet and calm, there probably would be real cause for concern. The underlying thread that runs through so many articles, research, and discussions of full-time dads is the apparent reluctance to identify oneself as the care giver of children. The reasons for this are not mysterious - men have been raised to be "breadwinners." To identify oneself as having abdicated this role seems to imply the abdication of masculinity and the adoption of femininity as a "role." We know that this is a false assumption. The truth is that fathers who choose this commitment as care givers are more secure in their masculinity than the "average" father (whoever he may be). Just as women continue to struggle in the paid work-place, men must also struggle to be accepted as equals when they leave the paid workforce. Not only do we need to be accepted by family, friends, neighbors, and in general all people who we encounter, but also by each other and ourselves. Trading the breadwinner role for the bread baker role merely means we have become a provider in a more literal way than when we were financial providers.
Through Full-Time Dads I hope care giver fathers will all move toward greater pride in their roles and identification as care givers to their children. The most pleasing aspect of being in contact with large numbers of full-time dads is the pleasure of finding so many fathers happy with their jobs. The satisfaction we experience is probably higher than that of fathers who only devote so much of their time and energy away from their home. Survey's consistently show that 40 to 48 percent of fathers asked said that they would like to stay home and care for their children if they could. The satisfaction that full-time dads have is due in part to the fact that we are doing what we choose to do rather than what is perceived we should be doing as dictated by the traditional standards of male behavior. This does not mean that we are one ecstatic group of men, there are factors such as isolation, loneliness, and stresses that we must face. Full- Time Dads will help ease these stresses through networking, support, and encouragement. A crucial part of this journal is the "contact" page to assist us finding other fathers who share our positions within our individual areas. Are we depriving ourselves for the sake of our children? I certainly hope none of us are, we should all be benefiting from this experience. We are experiencing what it means to father and be a father. We aren't sacrificing our reputations, we are enhancing them. We aren't losing respect, but increasing the respect that we bestow upon ourselves. We are enriching the lives of our children, as well as ourselves and our partners, in ways that have not been done in the past two hundred years of this country. Not since the industrial revolution moved the father out of the home and child care have we had the impact on our children that we do today as care givers.
We are the ultimate beneficiaries. We are the ones that reap the greatest rewards. Admittedly , it's not every day that we leap out of bed happy to be care givers for our children. Our children are not necessarily the models by which other people gauge their children. Our homes are not the metropolitan homes of the month. We do not spend all our days surrounded by happy children. We don't spend our free time when the children are napping, at school, or playing, polishing our silver while fresh-baked cookies cool on the counter. We aren't always the calming influence when our spouses, or children, come to the dinner tables after a long day. Our homes are not always those of complete domestic bliss. We are fortunate to be doing what we do. We can share the problems as well as the joys. I find this arrangement fully satisfying, it effectively satisfies and enriches all family members. I sincerely hope that we all share that satisfaction. I am happy, my wife is happy, and my children are happy with the decisions that impact our lives so completely. Happiness and satisfaction is the essence of family life. Nothing else is really needed. We love each other, we have time with each other, and we are loved by each other. The experts will be quick to point out that having the ideal home, new cars, fine furniture along with the successful career do not necessarily make the happiest, most satisfied families. Having a loving and happy family is the ultimate goal and reward.
We can all benefit from this network and journal. We all have our own support networks, but there has never before been anything close to Full-Time Dads for providing support, encouragement, resources, and camaraderie for fathers who take their child's care seriously as an integral part of their own lives. This is only the start. Full-Time Dads will grow as we grow as fathers, both in our capacities to father as well as in sheer numbers of participants. Publishing Full-Time Dads is a great deal of work, I fully realize that there are still kinks to be worked out. I need your input. Your active participation is necessary. Let me know what you think of this issue, and future issues. How can it be improved? What issues should be covered? What are your concerns? Please write, address any issues or topics that interest you as a care giver. Not all writings need to be of great literary quality - we're fathers first, we have a lot to share, let's share what we have to offer each other. I would like to offer my heart-felt thanks to all the people who contributed their support to this journal when it was little more than an idea, that they too, believed in. Special thanks to my wife and children for pretending that it didn't interfere with the day-to-day function of our home. Thanks to T-Grey Parker, Joel Chaiken, Craig Martin, Matthew Bliton, David Ball, Mark Schlemmer, Robert Schnieder, Steve Asher, Joe O'Donnell, and Mona and Dave Lawrence for their contributions. Thanks also are due to all the fathers and mothers who offered support in a variety of ways too numerable to itemize. My final thank you goes to everyone who continues to support Full-Time Dads and all that it represents, now and in the future - I look forward to meeting all of you on these pages. This journal isn't my forum, it's ours. Let's open up to the most important factor - you, fathers who are care givers for your children....
Copyright 1991 Chris Stafford
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