Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 2, originally appeared in print - June 1991
I have been wanting to write down these thoughts for a long time, but the anger and hurt over the miscarriage of justice which I experienced has made it difficult. If ever there was someone who was qualified to write to an organization such as FULL-TlME DADS about not giving up against all odds, I am that father.
On the last day of living as part of a married couple, I was dealt the final blow of total humiliation. After eight years of supporting an admittedly dysfunctional wife, who also abused alcohol and other substances, I found myself in jail, bleeding from my head and face, a victim of an attack by my spouse. This was by far the worst and most violent of the many attacks I had endured throughout our married life.
After most of my civil rights were violated, I was brought to stand in front of a judge who informed me that I might spend another ten years in jail and be forced to pay $10,000 to boot. When I asked him to clarify my situation, he obliged by also telling me I could not go to my house, call my house, or have any contact with my wife, the penalties increasing with the number of alleged violations to his order. As I stood stunned, dressed in only my bedroom slippers and gym shorts, suffering from a concussion and numerous abrasions, I tried to figure out my immediate future. How could I see my two daughters? How would I run my business out of my home office? How would I find a lawyer, and a good one, and find him fast.
I immediately accomplished two out of the three objectives, but after a year and a half of monthly reminders of my mistake in choosing legal council, I found myself facing another judge for our divorce hearing. After a short lecture on the waste of county time, our financial resources, and the need to pad our egos in pursuit of sole custody, the judge left me in the court room with my wife and my children's Guardian ad Litem. Rather than fight for sole custody, my job was to work out a joint custody agreement in the next twenty minutes or so. I remained convinced that I needed sole custody to protect my daughters from future abuse and neglect by their mother.
Her past record of neglect was well documented by social services and county depositions. But the Judge said he preferred joint custody, the Guardian at Litem said he would advise the county to award joint custody, and my attorney repeatedly reminded me I had no chance of custody at all. With the weight of the legal system against me, I was finally persuaded to offer the Guardian at Litem a joint custody agreement. My wife refused, and a three day court battle followed.
After two grueling days, the judge vehemently told the court that he had no choice but to grant me Sole Custody and Physical Placement of my two girls, aged three and five at the time.
I was able to secure my house again, and my girls and I have happily lived there ever since. As I had been their primary caregiver before our separation, things moved quickly back in place. My biggest reward has been seeing my daughters come back to life and be themselves again: happy, carefree, talkative,full of life.
One man's decision, a judge unafraid to look at the true facts of the case and to make the right and best choice for the benefit of two innocent lives, will never be forgotten; and this man has my utmost respect. Since that day, when other means to receive it have failed, the same judge has awarded my girls child support from their mothers paycheck. A strange irony: her child support check is issued by the same police department that wrongly arrested me the night of our separation.
When I say don't give up, for nothing is impossible, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. May God be with you and in all your struggles.
Copyright 1991 Mike Waters
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