Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 2, originally appeared in print - June 1991
Last issue I failed to credit the author of this quote; it's worth repeating.
"If men are encouraged from childhood through adolescence and adulthood to feel their own sense of personal identify can be built on direct caring and not just providing they will feel less of a need to invest everything in breadwinning and career."
The author is James A. Levine from his 1976 book:
Who Will Raise The Children? New Options For Fathers (And
Mothers)
Levine's book includes fathers with sole custody, house husbands, single fathers, adoptive fathers, and fathers who choose to work part-time to fully share in their children's care. He presents the obstacles and prejudices that men who choose to be caregivers are often faced with: the assumptions that mothers are the only "natural" nurturers, the legal views of father custody, the bias' that adoptive fathers confront, as well as much more information that full-time fathers will find interesting reading.
If it weren't for the dates, names and financial references it would be easy to believe that this book is of recent publication. Personally, I wish I had discovered this book ten or fifteen years ago instead of two. It offers encouragement to all of us regardless of our individual positions. In his closing statement Mr. Levine states:
"It seems to me that men and women are looking for ways to make their individual lives and families work. All too often change seems impossible. The rules that say men and women should lead very different lives, especially when it comes to child rearing, come from without and they come from within. The structure of work, attitudes bred into us, all seem to mitigate against change. And yet, it seems that when people get even the slightest bit of evidence that change is possible, when their feelings and desires are confirmed, they are empowered to try to change themselves. And so, finally, looking to the future, I offer this book as one other bit of confirming evidence - hoping that even a few lives, when shared, will help create new possibilities for us.all."
It's obvious that Levine was right. These "new possibilities" are occurring with greater frequency than ever be fore. Fathers are willing to take the risk of being caregivers and are finding it rewarding, thus encouraging other fathers to act upon their desires. Let's hope this natural behavior continues to grow until the word "parent" is meant to include fathers as automatically as it does mothers.
This book is out of print but readily available at your local library.
According to Willam R. Beer in his book
Househusband: Men And Housework In American Families,
it's illegal to be a househusband.
"In virtually all of the U.S. it is the responsibility of all men to support their wives. This is the law of the land."
The legal equality of the sexes is gradually being recognized in the family support laws. The husband is still responsible for the support of his wife in all of the states, but in approximately one-third of them, the wife is required to support the husband if he is unable to do so himself or is likely to become a public charge.
"Only the independently wealthy could be full-time househusbands without violating the basic law that applies to husbands and wives... To state this case directly, it is against the law to be a househusband."
Mr Beers cites this illegality as a barrier to men assuming the primary caregiver role. I am skeptical of that due to the fact that all of the fathers I have mentioned this to have been totally surprised by his revelation. Any Comments
We thank Geoffrey L. Greif, associate professor at the
University of Maryland School of Social work,for offering
Full-Time Dads the following observation based upon his research
for his book;
The Daddy Track And The Single Father
published by Lexington Books, Lexington MA, 1990.
"Ten years of research on more than 2000 single fathers with custody shows the majority of these dads to be very content with their role and to be glad they assumed the responsibility, This research reveals one vitally important fact about fathers - often with little advance preparation, those that want to parent alone feel as satisfied with their situations as do single mothers."
"The importance of this cannot be overestimated. Many men take a backseat to their wives during marriage, believing that women are the most qualified to do the parenting. This belief is often the result of their own upbringing and the many facets of our society that re-enforce the mothers role as being with the children. Yet when men are placed in the nontraditional role of single father, they are able to succeed. Such information should also give solace to the mother who often has been raised to believe that men are incompetent to parent. Instead, she could open the door to more participation from the father. The result would be that children would acquire a more balanced view of fa thers and mothers in the family, an acquisition that gives them more choices for how to live their lives."
My Child, My Teacher, My Friend: One Man's View Of
Parenting In Recovery
by Dwight Wolter I 1991 I published by CompCare publishers, 2415
Annapolis Lane, Minneapolis MN 55441 800/328-3330
This book is a collection of verbal sketches by Dwight, a survivor of family trauma', who has been a single father with shared custody of his nine year old daughter. Dwight's sketches are easy to identify with whether you too are in recovery or not. He provides his personal proof that good parenting is not a matter of gender, but one of love.
Among this collection of over 70 pieces, we find many great, short, direct sketches such as the "Nut With The Umbrella."
"I think Celeste was four at the time. I had picked her up from school and we were walking home when a sudden, summer rain struck. I had expected it. I'd brought along an umbrella. One umbrella. I was already carrying my satchel, and Celeste's backpack and lunch box, so l couldn't pick her up as well.
I held the umbrella over her head as we walked down the street. She was having a lot of fun. I was totally unprotected and completely drenched. There was no space anywhere on my body between my clothes and skin. Wet,. I looked into my satchel to see if it was too late to protect my writing. I saw a mass of blue, abstract ink drawings that used to be my words.
At a stoplight on Fifth Avenue, all the passengers in the cars stared at us through steamy windows. We must have been quite a sight. I rather liked the image, and that's why, despite my wretched drenchedness, I hadn't raced under a canopy to wait until the storm passed. I imagined the people in the cars were very impressed. What a loving father - was offering all the protection to his daughter and none to himself. Yes. I'm that kind of guy.
We went to a restaurant. I sat down and felt a squish from my waterlogged
pants. The air conditioning was on. We ate a soggy meal and left quickly. I got a bad cold the next day. I had to take Celeste to her mothers house because I was too sick to care for her.
My reward for giving my all to my daughter had been nothing. Surrendering my needs to hers had not benefitted me in any way - or her either. I was sick in bed. She was out in the park, playing with her mother. She had learned nothing from my sacrifice. I had done nothing to ensure that her future would be different from my past. Instead of being impressed with what a wonderful father I was, the people in those passing cars probably were wondering who the nut with the umbrella was.
Failing to protect myself, I had failed to protect my daughter."
Dr Burton L. White authored
The First Three Years Of Life; A Guide To The Physical,
Emotional, And Intellectual Growth Of Your Baby
To my knowledge, this is the only book that is informative and
has documented, in depth research in the area of intellectual
growth in infants. A must have for all fathers. Under the heading
of fathers he states:
"In summary, I would say that fathers could probably do the job not only as well as the mother, but in some instances even better. The thing to keep in mind is the child's needs, and then on a point-by-point basis to ask whether he/she is getting what he/she requires from the person or persons involved. "
The following quote from Kyle Dean Pruett M.D. in his
accurately titled and wonderfully written book
The Nurturing Father; Journey Toward The Complete Man
is a question that may well summarize the most basic obstacle
that men as caregivers face. It can also question the attitudes
that we can help change through Full-Time Dads. Dr. Pruett is the
pioneering researcher in the area of paternal caregiving and its
effects on children. He asks:
"Why is it so hard for our society to acknowledge fathering as a truly vital issue? Why do so many of these men feel lonely and isolated and even excluded and ridiculed by friends and occasionally family for giving their parental roles such seminal importance in their lives? Why is it hard to take such men and their children seriously?"
Following are a few excerpts to give you a sample of what Dr. Pruett has to say:
"1n the end it's probably irrelevant how closely a father conforms to the socially defined gender/role concepts of masculinity. In father nurturing families, there have been priceless rewards to the man, his child, and his mate in attending to his innate nurturing wishes and capacities. It is good for all of them- not simple and easy but most certainly good. What is then ultimately allowed and experienced is a real masculinity that is nondefensive, creative, feeling, and unafraid of being full of care. In a new era for which these findings set the stage, a man will never be told, or expected, to stay out the lives of his children."
"To date, this is the bottom line on the capacity of males and females to develop as complete people; Although male and female gender differ fundamentally in genital equipment, each member of the species has such a rich repertoire of potential behavior that is impossible to characterize any behavioral pattern as quintessentially male or female, including the capacity to nurture."
"Herein lies the heart of this book.
It's message is not that all me.n need to rear children full-time in order to become fully nurturing human beings., but that men must shape, and be allowed to shape, their lives so that they may discover and develop their own full creative talents as nurturing men."
"Imagine what such a man could do for society, his family, his son, his daughter. He would be loving and nurturing without embarrassment or fear, open and vulnerable without being a victim. He could foster in his children the freedom to be strongly feminine or tenderly masculine but above all, abidingly human."
"The journey toward the complete man is now well begun."
This book should not only be required reading for all fathers and men contemplating fatherhood, but it should also be used as a textbook for high school students to recognize that fathering involves a lot more than impregnating their partner or playing catch on Saturday mornings. It can open these children's eyes to the vast possibilities that they have before them in their futures as adults. Just as abusive, dependent, and other dysfunctional family chains can be broken by positive knowledgeable action, so can the "absent father" role in American families. We should reach out to fathers who are reluctant to act on these natural instincts and help them feel secure in doing, what they know in their heart is right. The move toward an egalitarian society depends on fathers assuming their rightful, active nurturing position within the family.
Children's Books
Daddy's Little Helper
by Frank Endersby
A "board book" for our youngest children, has pictures
of a father and son cleaning house.
One More Thing Dad
by Susan L. Thompson
A nice "counting" book for toddlers details Caleb's
gathering items for a trip outside as he counts the objects to
his father who is baking bread. The final item he needs to reach
ten is his father who naturally accompanies his child.
Daddy Makes The Best Spaghetti
by Anna Grossnicke
Follows dad and Corey through a day of shopping, preparing meals,
welcoming mom home, bathing, etc. A fun book where dad acts like
Bathman and a barking dog.
My Dad Takes Care Of Me
by Patricia Quinlan
A nice story that relates a son's unhappiness relating to his
fathers unemployment. Sometimes he's happy to have his dad home
to make lunch and play with him. He doesn't like to see his
father cry when he doesn't get a hoped for job. His discomfort
changes after meeting the father of a classmate who tells him,
"Yes, I have a job, my job is taking care of Jillian."
Daddy'S Home
by Mike Clary
An enjoyable book about being a fulltime dad for Annie.
Copyright 1991 Chris Stafford
Copyright Full-Time Dads. All rights reserved.