Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 2, originally appeared in print - June 1991
Usually articles appearing under titles similar to this one are written by women and demand more diaper changing and housecleaning of men, often claiming that most American mothers work full-time (despite the national census bureau reports which conclude the opposite).
Modern women have a variety of options in parenting, or careers, while men are still programmed as Success objects. When fathers return from a hard day's work, many are handed "the baby" and told to do their "fair" share.
I have worked many traditionally masculine and traditionally feminine jobs: cop, karate teacher, counselor of teens, child care worker and caretaker of disabled senior citizens. Presently, contrary to social influences and without mentors, I have become the primary caretaker of a two year old.
Society is currently spending millions assisting mothers who care for children and millions more helping women enter the world of men. Where are the programs to train the displaced males, or to help men learn the value of child-rearing?
In spite of frequent films and cartoons about fathers who can't cook oatmeal, research demonstrates that children whose fathers are primary caretakers are showing more talent, and higher developmental test scores, than children in traditional settings (due to the greater involvement of both parents).
Currently, my wife, the primary wage earner, is building seniority and income, while my credibility as a male wage earner is decreasing. I won't have the advantage of affirmative action when I reenter the job market. Women and minorities are a hotter item than veterans when there is no war.
Despite the problems, I have many options that my wife hasn't. I write articles without the pressures of selling enough to pay the mortgage 1 can take night classes, stay up late to read, sleep in the next morning, or take a nap. If exhausted from being up with a sick child, I can work fast, or slow, with my deadlines, rather than corporate deadlines. I shop for the meals I want and relax more. It's no wonder women out-live men.
Some days I rage against males with Donahue, and Oprah Winfrey, pretending 1 am an oppressed housewife, but usually I just enjoy my freedom.
Yes, housecleaning is a drag, but I am doing it for my family and have found efficient and enjoyable routines Public radio for doing dishes or vacuuming, weight-lifting between laundry loads, and ride the exercise bike while I plan the day. I try to think of nice things to surprise my wife with. Sometimes I worry about what my next employer will think when s/he sees my resume, 1987 to 199l+- stayed home, but I worried more about my child's development when he was in day care.
I also watch the boy. We go to afternoon movies, Cinderella and such. I notice women and children there. Or, off to the Parenting Center and a chance for Jesse to be with other children while I read a book nearby, wishing sometimes that fathers would come more often. It's interesting to listen to the goals of the mothers and tales of what their husbands do. I've met gentle, intelligent women there that I would trust leaving Jesse with for a day. And others...who are learning to parent
Some days Jesse and I cruise the mall and play with blocks courtesy of Duplo Co. We share yogurt and hot dogs for lunch. We hike, play in parks, and practice sharing. Jesse makes me laugh...every day. I comfort his sadness and fears. Sometimes when he falls asleep, instead of putting him in bed, I sit in a big leather chair and hold him for a very long time, while I watch the clouds blowing over the mountains. I think about life, and how quickly his infancy left. I loved the infant who disappeared. I wonder how old Jesse will be before he believes men shouldn't hug. Many men would feel uncomfortable hearing about these things, but I know there are others who understand.
Should I tell other men about the day Jesse watched the tall grass and wildflowers blown in waves of reflect ions and shadows of early morning sun With glowing childeyes he said "Let's pretend the grass is music." It's easier to tell others that I am teaching him Karate.
Weekly problems: How do I tactfully tell women that they should not be amazed when Jesse is "good," or other women that they don't need to either leap to the rescue, or gloat, when he isn't. Must I correct nurses who say, "Your wife is doing a good job with your son's diarrhea preventing a rash." A young psych. student testing Jesse informs me, "We just need the mother for this." (This wasn't breast feeding.) The Montessori teaching position advertises for a mother with child. Another support group is established for "Mothers and 8abies" The photographer tells Julie she did a nice job picking out Jesse's clothing colors. Relatives are concerned about my lack of a career.
I was rude to the last woman who told me that no man can ever be as nurturing, caring, loving, and empathetic as woman because of woman's greater...etc. She refused to believe that most child abuse, and infanticide, comes from mothers. She had "natural" childbirth her husband present, then left her son alone, strapped down, for a practice no longer recommended by the American Pediatric Association: circumcision.
(I should excuse such insensitivity, innocently intended, and accept it as graciously as women accept men's unintentional blunders while greeting women in male dominated work )
I should focus on the positive changes I see, such as Bruno Bettelheim's book, The Good Enough Parent. Benelheim's title is derived from D.W. Winnicott's concept of the "good enough" mother, but Bettelheim realizes the importance of both parents and titled his book accordingly.
Such adaptations make me believe that someday a man who is raising children will feel at least as comfortable telling people about his situation, as are women when telling people that they are supported by a man's labor, although there are no children living at home.
The someday world belongs to a future generation who will research gender issues, not just women's issues.
Copyright 1991 By Steve Asher
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