Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 2, originally appeared in print - June 1991
I am a "Full-Time Dad," but I also work. Yes, I know, being a full-time dad lS work, tiring and exasperating work. Nevertheless, being a full-time dad is not the only kind of work that I do, though it is most certainly enough in itself.
In short, besides doing slave-labor at home as father, househusband, and husband, I am also employed outside the home - while at home. Make sense? lt does, if you have an office in your home like I do. When I am not ironing, vacuuming, changing diapers, and feeding my two kids, a four year old girl and a two year old boy, I am reading, writing, and managing at my desk. I am a "full-time" dad who also happens to be a pastor of a small, but energetic and faithful, Mennonite congregation, a full-time job in itself.
How do I do it? Perhaps not very well. But, I try. You see, attitudinally speaking, my wife and I are full-time parents. Neither I nor my wife earn a full-time salary outside the home. With a Ph.D. in Anthropology, my wife, Eloise, is content to teach part-time at Phoenix City College (PCC) and at Arizona State University West Campus (ASU West) so that she could give fair and necessary attention to our blooming children (at times I'm tempted to say "blooming idiots" but then I'd just be reflecting my own parenting skills or lack thereof.)
Likewise, I am content to remain a part-time salaried pastor at my church for the same reasons. In short, we are a one-income family earning a living from two part-time salaried positions. Thus, our basic financial needs are met, and we are free to be actively involved in the raising of our children without the use of day-care and/or the extreme use of babysitting time.
Sounds ideal, doesn t it? Well, who's kidding who? Don't get me wrong. Being employed outside the home while at the same time being a full-time dad does have its advantages. For example, it brings in money that you wouldn't otherwise have. Secondly, well, let's not push it.
But, I must admit, there is a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment one feels when one is able to do something more than spot-free laundry and hot dog cuisine.
It's the balancing act that kills you, or at least drives you mad, if not crazy. My wife and I both had this ideal that we were going to "be there" for our children. We were going to be involved in their lives, sharing and caring,teaching and preaching (Whoops! Didn't mean that. Preachers should know better than to preach at their own kids.) Well, you get the point.
Being as young and idealistic as we were before we had kids, and being as crazed as we are now, now that we HAVE kids, we still somehow think that we can do both - have our careers and our family - be both full-time parents AND develop our careers. You make sense of it; we cant. We're too far gone to know better.
All kidding aside (l mean really, put the kids aside for a minute - I want your full and undivided attention - dare you, if you can.) I think my greatest regret about this kind of set up is that, when push comes to shove, either one or the other of the job demands suffers. Either the kids have a parent who's there "in the flesh but not the spirit.' Or, the career suffers from mindless day-dreaming.
To tell you the truth, I have actually offered to become a full-time "Full-Time Dad," if you know what I mean. But, my wife didn't go for it. She'd feel cheated. And, she doesn't believe that I would be a totally happy person devoting my full and undivided attention, 24 hours a day, to house and family. By the way, they say there are 24 hours in a day, but I don't believe it. When kids come along there's always an hour or two missing somewhere.
The bottom line is this; it is difficult for anyone, man or woman, to give full-time OR half-time attention, devotion, and service to house and home AND to seriously pursue a career. Notwithstanding, it goes without saying that it is impossible to even HAVE a house and home without SOMEONE working. So, what's a couple to do?
Someone has to make the dough, as in money; and someone has to feed the kids,as in, "Now open your mouth, that's right:oah such a good baby! Daddy's so proud of you."
Short of reviving the institution of slavery, the person that feeds the kids also has to clean the house, cook dinner, do the laundry, and run to answer the phone while in the middle of changing a messy diaper.
Now, one way of handling the dilemma is the traditional breadwinner/ homemaker model. One spouse stays home, the other goes off to work and career. A third option, of course, is to let institutions raise the kids, day care centers, baby-sitters, nannies and that sort. The second option is the one my wife and I chose: half-time wishy-washy attempts to pursue our career, while spending the other half-time trying to be ideal parent.
I believe that the second option is by far the more difficult. The second option assumes that one has the kind of job/ career that allows such flexibility of time management. It also assumes that one could easily, almost casually, move from career duty to home duty and back again with ease and grace. Not so.
Having an office at home is the only way my wife and I could manage to redeem precious time for career productivity and be "fully available to the children. But the children know when you are not really "there" for them, despite the fact that we have stepped out of the office. There is a certain mental, emotional, and psychological adjustment that needs to be made when crossing that invisible line between homework and home-work, career management versus homemaking.
Sometimes the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I may WANT to get some office work done and may even have the time to do so, but I am too emotionally drained and physically exhausted from having had the kids half the day to actually face sitting at a desk or computer terminal. I don't know about your kids, but MY kids have this amazing power to turn me into a zombie after a few hours. I suppose you'll tell me that my kids are unique that way. Well, my kids are cuter than yours anyway.
The reverse is also true. When I begin the day in my office, and I have most of the day to myself, I find myself relishing the time and quite defensive and guarded if I even imagine that my time is being invaded by wife or kids. Like a starving lion hoarding its catch, I growl and show my teeth, if I sense that my office time is being taken away from me.
We thought we were doing the best thing for ourselves and our kids when we chose this arrangement. We still do. But we had not realized the heavy toll in terms of mental, psychological, and emotional costs it would have on us in the process of finding equilibrium.
It most certainly is a balancing act, requiring intense honesty, unwavering commitment to marriage, family, and the higher values of life (other than materialism), and humility, teachability, faith in God, a willingness to change, adapt, and sacrifice. "Me-ism" and "I did it MY way" has no place in such a context. The integrity of the individual, parent and child, is sacred; because of this, mutual respect,trust, open communication, and faith in a Being Greater-than-ourselves are essentials.
Me thinks I am beginning to sound like a preacher, so l shall stop here. May I close by saying that this "Full-Time Dads" networking resource is an excellent idea. It would seem that our society is on the threshold of a new and developing trend of "doing family." Given the nature of our neighborhood and community structures, we find that we do need more contact and support between parents and families interacting on a more mental and emotional level. This is one very constructive way of meeting such a need.
Copyright 1991 Michael A. Meneses
Copyright Full-Time Dads. All rights reserved.