Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 3, originally appeared in print - August 1991
The cultural expectations of men have come under siege by fathers who no longer feel that career goals and breadwinning fill their needs. The role behaviors of rugged individuals with visions greater than themselves, independent stoics, selflessly sacrificing their lives to a corporation, are beginning to fail for the men who have been raised in this society; a society that places career and financial gains above self and family. With the deterioration of our society: filled with violence, chemical dependencies, abuse, neglect and dysfunctions of all kinds, many men, namely fathers, are electing to change their roles.
Some people call these fathers the "new fathers"; men who have chosen to assume hands-on responsibility for their own children, I call them full-time dads, they are us. While the issue comes up quite often, it usually is dealt with much like that of a curiosity. The subject is dealt with questions concerning whether such men really exist. We do exist in larger numbers than most people assume. Single fathers are not the rarity many believe, in fact, they are the fastest growing "non-traditional" type of family in America. Those of us referred to with that inane title of "househusband" are increasing equally fast. Men who are realizing that the company, which finds them expendable, shouldn't be their primary focus are growing fastest of all. Men are finally seeing that their consumption with monetary gains at the cost of high stress, little personal satisfaction, absence from their family and premature death aren't worth their efforts. We have found that our families and children are worthy of our full attention and concerns. We are putting our children first by letting the boss know that we will take time off for a teacher conference, school activity, or when our child is ill. We are demanding paternity leave. We are no longer willing to sacrifice our family for long hours at an insensitive company. Many of us are going one step further and leaving the workforce altogether to assume the primary caregiver role. We aren't the social deviates and under-achievers that we are often portrayed to be. We are the first harbingers of a new social priority.
It's been too long the responsibility of women to make all the decisions and care for our children. They have butted heads with the patriarchy for years with little to show for their efforts. They have cared for our children in times when the family is not valued or respected. They have stood beside their men in support as they labored at great costs and seen no progress in their families health. The time has come when men are finally dawning to the great satisfaction that is gained by caring for their own children. Many a man has come to retirement wishing he had gotten to know his children, few, if any, have reached that point and wished he had worked harder at his job.
One of the marvels of a patriarchy is that when men are actually involved in caring for their children they will believe, after all these years, just what women have been saying. Not only will they believe, but they will experience the struggle and demand change. Men have the power, and men and women will make the changes needed to bring the American family back to health and importance to this society.
At a time when change is needed so badly it is a shame that it appears the only way it will change is when men are involved Unfortunately, this is also a reality that we don't want to admit. The lack of respect that has been given is a lack of respect for women and children. Slice it any way that you want, the results don't change, our society has not valued women and children. The women's movement has made many changes in the lives of women in the workplace, and it will take the involvement of men in the home to believe what women have been saying about the needs of the family. The women among us know all too well that they have had little voice when it comes to family change. When men are intimately involved in the family struggle they too will demand change. This will aid in the equality that is still so far away for men and women in our society. Not only will this bode well for the family, but for women, children and society in general. On the other hand, this restructuring of priorities allows men to also find the delights of their children. They will find that the children offer great rewards to them personally as well as they to their children. It doesn't take long for a man who has become involved in his children's life to find that a child's smile and hug mean more to him than the handshake of his superior, a glowing sales report, or a successful merger.
Men are really the ultimate beneficiaries, we have the opportunity to discover what it means to be a complete person. A person who not only is caring and nurturing but also able to put someone else's needs above our own. We have heard, so much so that it's become a cliche, that children are the future of the world. We certainly haven't believed it, we haven't acted like they are.
Our priorities haven't been making the world better for the children. There is a great deal of lip service regarding children and families, but certainly no action. Our children are the future of the world, it'sour responsibility and privilege, to lead them towards this future. Men and women now have the opportunity to lead the children, with their hand gently in ours, towards a future when all people are equal and children are respected, valued, and treasured.
Copyright 1991 Chris Stafford
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