Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 3, originally appeared in print - August 1991
It is easy for men who assume child raising responsibilities to feel like we are breaking trail much of the time. The forum created by FULL-TIME DADS will lay to rest this belief. We have much to share with each other, as is evidenced by the tips, recipes, anecdotes, prayers, book reviews, and collected wisdom that have arrived on these pages.
My fathering has richly benefited by the writing of two different men. I have worn out my copy of Rudolph Dreikurs', CHILDREN; THE CHALLENGE. Co-written with Vicki Soltz, this book has been my bible for raising Levi, my son. It is divided into almost forty clearly defined areas, and is easy to grab and refer to when you've locked yourself into the bathroom. Don't laugh, he suggests that as a very sensible thing to do on occasion. The book uses numerous examples to illustrate how we parents can accomplish some of the daunting tasks we face.
The first sentence of the preface of this work, written in 1964 mind you, states that the problems our children face are,
" ...increasing in frequency and intensity, and many parents do not know how to cope." From the vantage point of 1991's typical parenting issues I'd say that 1964 was downright pastoral! The power of this book lies in the fact that it has not become irrelevant with the passage of nearly three decades. The large number of single parent families, the absence of role models and the lack of extended family members leave many men and women struggling and feeling unconfident of their parenting skills. I like the clear and straightforward approach taken by this book.
Children still need us to be consistent, maintain routine,show respect, detach, praise, encourage, listen, and have the courage to say "No." Dreikurs book directly addresses both the how to, and why of many problems we will face.
One simple idea I got from this book, that has been a God-send over the past several years, was to create a list I put on the refrigerator. I frequently refer to this, I titled it: Levi Will Know He is Loved (if I)1. Give choices 2. Detach 3. Use consequences 4. Acknowledge feelings 5. Set limits, then don't vacillate 6. Use precise praise 7. Build self-esteem B. Withhold criticism 9. Reinforce independence ands 10. TELL HIM.
Another source of in spiration has been the book, A GOOD ENOUGH PARENT by Bruno Bettelheim. This book was published in 1987, and while Bettelheim's reputation was tarnished after his death by accusations of child mistreatment he still has been a positive guide for me, and I recommend the book highly to you. A GOOD ENOUGH PARENT is more philosophical, compared to the pragmatism of Dreikurs' work. One aspect of parenting that Bettelheim examines is how we can explore our own childhood experiences, both positive and negative, through our children. One compelling aspect he illuminates is how children develop ambivalent feelings towards us as they get older and see we are only human and not the Gods we were perceived when they were infants. He makes a strong case for how critical it is that we maintain consistency between our actions and our words if we want our kids to grow up with self-discipline. If you thought of yourself as a science experiment, and your kids as scientists who relentlessly observe and make mental notes about what you say and do, it would give you a different picture of just what goes on in your family.
It is the keen observation skills of our children that leads to their inner conflict and "acting out" behavior when we demonstrate incongruity between our words and our actions. Bettelheim's book is rich with clear examples from his seventy years of research on children and families. He explores the differences between punishment and discipline at length. bettelheim strongly urges parents to use "time-out" and avoid spanking and other physical means of punishment. The use of force teaches our kids to use similar methods on their friends and siblings. Punishment of this type is mistakenly thought of as "discipline". He demonstrates why fathering our children with real discipline leads to their own self-discipline, while over-use of punishment leads to problems.
The second part of the book is devoted to play. Play, with a capital P, to show it the respect it deserves. He studied children and parents for 70 years and has a great deal of insight about Play. He has the ability and empathy to explain from a child's perspective what's going on in different ages and stages during Play. For this alone, the book is fascinating.
It will be very interesting for me to contrast the scholarly approach of these renowned writers with the insights shared by the readers of this magazine. While I have learned a great deal from them, I believe the best will come from these pages.
Copyright 1991 Mark Schlemmer
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