Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 3, originally appeared in print - August 1991
The following is the statement of Gordon Rothman to the recent Congressional hearing on fathers in the workplace.
My name is Gordon Rothman, and normally I am a field producer for the television program "CBS This Morning." But for the last eleven weeks, and for the next two, I have a different job. I am a full-time father, taking paternity leave with my jewel of a daughter, Hannah. This makes me the luckiest man I know.
I am Hannah's chief babysitter and bath giver, entertainer and audience, diaper changer and dance partner, not to mention chief cook and, yes, bottle washer. As the Peace Corps used to say, it's the toughest job I've ever loved.
My wife Faith and I both wanted to take time off to spend with the baby, and both wanted to return to work. But to make paternity leave possible required three elements that seem all too rare for America's fathers.
First, the right company policy. At CBS News, a mother or father can take parental leave for up to six months after a child is born or adopted.
Second, the right attitude in the workplace. My supervisors and colleagues have given me nothing but support . . . still no hints that this is going to come back to haunt me.
And third, cash. The leave is unpaid, so it was only possible because Faith and I had already saved enough money to tide us over.
With policy, attitude, and cash on our side, I decided to take three month s off: nine weeks of unpaid leave plus four vacation weeks. It began just before my wife returned to work, so that Hannah is under her parents' care for her first six months.
Paternity leave - when they happen at all - tend to last just a week or two. So even Faith figured I'd give up the idea of taking thirteen. But as Leave Day approached, I only became more convinced that it was the right thing to do. It certainly has been, despite a less-than inspiring start. On my first day of leave, Hannah broke out in a full-body rash. She had a crying jag that could crack pottery. And soon after I served her lunch, she suddenly sent it all back to the chef. But we survived day one, and its been all uphill from there.
I can tell you without a grain of doubt that my leave has warmed my relationship with my daughter. During much of Faith's leave, I worked long hours on CBS News Gulf War coverage. I would often come home and pick up a smiling baby only to have her stiffen and squall. At first, Faith insisted that it wasn't me - I was just coming home at a bad time. But the hours changed; the behavior didn't. Faith soon had to admit, "No, Gordon, it's not the timing, it's you." Like a lot of fathers these days, I was playing just a cameo role in my child's world, and she barely knew me.
Things changed dramatically soon after I began staying home with Hannah and learned the fine arts of baby flying, peekaboo. and cookie monster. AB the psychologists like to say, we have bonded.
She knows l can meet her needs - a snack, a change, a cuddle, or just a rest. THAT is what I hope will be the lasting value of this experience - that long after I've gone back to work, shell know that BOTH of her parents are there for her, ready, willing and able to support her. And if SHE doesn't know it? Well, I know it.
So its given me a great feeling of confidence. But its also helped define the nature of our family. Child care is so often seen as a woman's duty for which a man sometime helps out. For us, it is something my wife and I share Hannah will always be "our" responsibility - a fact which can't help but make the family stronger.
Nearly everyone - friends, relatives, co-workers - has the same reaction to my leave: "Isn't it wonderful!" Except reporters, who say "Isn't it going to hurt your career?" The answer to that is, "I hope and expect that it won't."For now, the most important thing is doing everything I can for Hannah.
I have only two regrets about my leave. I regret that my colleagues had to work even harder to take up the slack. We've all done it before for mothers on the staff, and I am grateful that they're doing it for me.
My other regret is simply that what I am doing is so rare.
It is a pity that so few companies offer the opportunity, and a scandal that - because it's almost always unpaid - most men can't afford it.
But worst of all is that most of those who DO have the chance don't make the choice. It is a shame that so long after so many career doors started opening to women, this door remains virtually closed to men. To those employees who CAN take paternity leave, I say take it. To those employers who can OFFER paternity leave, I say offer it. It is a marvelous, once-in-a-lifetime experience for the lucky father and, of course, the lucky child."
Gordon offered FULL-TIME DADS these additional thoughts:
"When Rep. Pat Schroeder listened to me talk about my paternity leave, she seemed pleased - but skeptical."
"Did the people at CBS REALLY make it that easy for you? No hints that this really wasn't something that men were supposed to do? No talk about a wimp factor?"
"I don't know why people talk about a wimp factor," I answered. ~This is the hardest work I've ever done in my life."
The words hung in my mind long after I said them. Hard work? Bringing up baby is the New York City Marathon. It's the Ironman Competition. Of course, we would all know that if we'd cared to listen to any mother describe child care. But it was easy to dismiss her laments as pleas for pity.
"Men who choose to share that burden learn quickly how true it is. It is challenging work, unrelenting, exhausting. But that's not the important part. What's important is that the work is vital. I'll never do anything in my career as significant as helping my daughter feel safe and confident and loved. If I've accomplished that, it's worth all the sweat and worth all the lost wages. And if, as Rep. Schroeder suggests, some damn fool figures me for a wimp, well it's worth that too."
Copyright 1991 Gordon Rothman
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