Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 3, originally appeared in print - August 1991
The bemoaning of the loss of the "traditional" family has reached epic proportions. In general, the loss is blamed for the deterioration of American society; specifically it is said to cause divorce, drug and alcohol abuse, child neglect and abuse, delinquency, and thoughtless violence. Proponents of the traditional family claim these problems didn't exist when the TV family of Ozzie ant Harriet were the role model for all families.The proponents say that if we could only get back to those ideals, all would again be right with the world, life would again be full of bliss, all people would be happy, and abuse and violence would vanish.
Rubbish. This ideal produced narrowly defined acceptable behaviors for men and women that also produced the long list of ills. The children of these traditional families are both the victims and the cause of the myriad of problems our society now faces. How could a standard that was so wonderful have produced children who are so disenchanted with the structure in which they grew up? If this structure was so ideal and produced satisfied children, then what is the source of the problems of our times?
In the traditional family, dad was defined as the efficient breadwinner. His devoted wife dedicated her life to providing a clean home, hot meals, and loving carefree children. Dad didn't have much time for his children-he had important work to do. But time has shown that these men were not fulfilled with the narrow roles that governed their lives. They felt trapped and helpless to change their situation for fear of losing face in the eyes of their colleagues. The traditional mom was equally unhappy with the roles forced upon her. interests beyond home and children were considered unimportant. Children who grew up in this atmosphere of surface pleasantries saw clearly the inner dissatisfaction of their parents. These children are us, the adults and parents of this generation.
We saw quite clearly how we were expected to carry through with ~our lives. We learned all we could hope to strive for were narrow visions and limited options: one dimensional roles which allowed for little deviation. The man who found his strength in child-related activities was not encouraged to pursue this avenue - too unmanly. For men, the arts were too feminine. A woman who wanted to reach for goals beyond a family and a home was pushed back to seriously reconsider what was really important. If work out of the home was necessary,it's focus must be kept within limits and she should wait for Mr. Right to rescue her from her dilemma and care for her every need. Stay within the proper bounds~ of masculinity and femininity and the world will be a fine place.It is a small wonder that those children who have become parents are ill-equipped to handle life's more serious pursuits of personal satisfaction and fulfillment in areas of their natural abilities and interests.
Is the resulting society a better place? It is obvious that the roles still considered ideal by many are too rigid, leaving men and women with too few options and with great dissatisfaction.
If we are to bring society to terms with itself,we must face these issues straight on. inflexibility results in great disrespect for human nature. If we are to deny what our true nature is,we would find no motivation to develop these natural abilities to their full potential. The deterioration of the American family is not due to the passing of Ozzie and Harriet, and resurrecting this idealized structure would only cause continued deterioration. But out of this decay, men, and more so,women,have begun to see what they, as individuals, feel is most important in their lives.
By accepting the tremendous capacities of men and women to reach for their personal desires, we will find a resurgence of caring, productive people: creating what is important to them and their family, and what is important for society. If we are allowed and encouraged to follow our intuitive feelings, then and only then will our children see all the possibilities that are available to them. shown that these fulfilled with roles that governed
Knowing that anything is possible will provide the children with choices that suit their individual personalities and abilities. When Both men and women are found d in the roles of nurturer and breadwinner, the narrow definitions of sex roles will collapse and the opportunities for children to fully develop will grow, allowing the children to blossom.
It will take a very long time to heal the wounds that have been thrust on the children. The wounds can heal only as fast as society accepts that there are ways to be productive without the sex=role barriers of the traditional family.
If women were meant to be only caregivers and second class workers, then all women would be satisfied in that role. If men were meant to be providers devoid of emotional attachments, then their satisfaction, too, would be complete. We need only look around to see that a great many men and women who are neither satisfied or fulfilled. Well-adjusted men and women don't abuse and neglect their children, nor do they walk away from children and marriages. They don't abuse drugs or alcohol, rape, batter, or kill each other. And they don't let their society fall apart around them.
When permitted, men and women can find meaningful work of their own choosing. It can be the traditional roles, but it should not be limited to those. Masculine or feminine work is appropriate for either men or women, without being macho or effeminate. Creative blendings and combinations of both may be best. Only when people are free to act on what they feel is important are they going to stop destroying themselves and those around them.
Copyright 1991 J. Donovan
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