Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 2, originally appeared in print - June 1991
Last issue's question: What have you found to be the most awkward aspect of being a Full-time dad?
My most awkward situations as a full-time dad have been when I must interact with people who normally deal with mothers; for example, doctors, nurses, and play group leaders.
Once I brought my son, Kyle, to the doctor for a checkup. After waiting patiently to be called in, the words came, "Mrs. Scott, this way please.- "That's Mr.," I corrected, but feeling awkward to do so. Needless to say, this happened more than once, and I always reacted in the same manner.
A similar incident occurred with a different doctor. The office called to change Kyle's appointment and the nurse said, "The appointment your wife made.
Of course, l was annoyed and said, "I made the appointment" I apologized for my tone and explained the circumstances.
Lastly, when Kyle had a high fever, I naturally called the doctor. After describing the symptoms to the nurse, she told me the doctor would get back to me. Shortly thereafter, she called back and told me the doctor was on the line. She also added, "Would you rather have your wife speak to him I simply explained, "I'm the one who takes care of him."
These are specific examples of what seemed to be a general trend. During the first year I was home with Kyle, I had a defensive attitude; everything seemed awkward. I felt it in my reactions to people, and when I took time to write down my feelings.
Now, even though gender assumption about child care still occur, it doesn't bother me as much. I recently took Kyle to a play group where it was no surprise to 6nd that I was the only father present. I still felt out of place. The time came to sing "Wheels on the Bus." The leader sang the verse, "The Mommies on the bus go . . " I said nothing, but perhaps something showed on my face. The following week, she changed it to. "The Mommies and daddies...*
By acknowledging me, the leader made me feel less awkward and more accepted.
Peter Scott
This month's Forum Topic
When we first announced to my parents and in-laws that I was to become the full-time caregiver to their grandchildren, no one showed shock or even surprise. My folks took it as another odd quirk, something that would pass quickly. The grandparents slowly settled into a pattern of quiet acceptance and passive support. They said, "It seems best for the children." After four years, in spite of hearing occasional comments like, "Aren't you ever going to go back to work?", I assumed that our unusual family arrangement had f finally been accepted as being as natural to the grandparents as it is to us.
But recently my father came for a visit, and the conversation drifted to former co-workers we both knew when we worked in the same factory. I asked my father what he told these men when they asked about how I was doing. "l just tell them that you are a school teacher or a writer," he answered. I was a bit surprised, and even a little hurt: I haven't taught school in five years, and I consider my writing a hobby, not a job.
Is my father ashamed of having a son who is a fulltime dad? I think not, though on an issue that is so vital to my heart, I was expecting his full support. Instead, like most men raised in the old school, his traditional values create an awkward situation when dealing with his buddies. In private, he can accept my decision to stay home with the kids; in public, he is not so certain.
What has been the reaction of your parents and in laws to your status as a full-time dad? How have they voiced their support or disapproval?
Copyright Chris Stafford
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