Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 4, originally appeared in print - October 1991
Like all full-time dads, I suppose, I have a busy workload taking care of my children. On top of that, I work as a self-employed lawyer about ten hours per week. My wife Linda who works fulltime, remains very involved with our children after work and on weekends. Our kids, Ellen, age two years, and Emily, age four, seem to appreciate the arrangement. Our family life didn't become this way overnight. It evolved as my children required more and more of my attention, and as I was able to let go of more and more of my identity as a lawyer.
Four-and-a-half years ago, when Linda and I were waiting for Emily to arrive, we played in our minds our parenting options. Emily was Linda's first child; I had an eleven-year old son, Erik, from a previous marriage. The situation was this: Linda had been out of law school for only three years and was very ambitious, intent on becoming a partner at the earliest possible time. Her desire not to delay her career was also affected by the fact
From the start, I couldn't give up my full-time interest in my career. Having my own office, it was easy to take Emily to work with me. We made a playroom and a bedroom to go with the bathroom and kitchen already available. Another lawyer in the office, Barb, brought her baby to work, too It was a convenient, though difficult, arrangement. I took care of Emily when she was awake and worked when she napped. Naturally, some days she slept less than others and precious little work was done. When I had to go to court or meet with clients, Barb took care of Emily; I cared for Barb's son when she had to attend to business. When one of us had lots of court time, or when the kids slept little for a day or two, we both feared that we would never meet our deadlines. We tried hiring sitters to help us with our children, but that didn't work.
As a result, I spent many nights, and too many Saturdays, back at the office, trying to catch up.
When Emily was ten months old, she abruptly stopped taking naps at the office. It was time for the real decision to be made, time to put my money where my mouth was. Emily and I moved home. Emily resumed napping, and I took advantage of these quiet times to work while she slept. I went to the office one or two afternoons a week, plus some evenings and Saturdays. Although it was more difficult to get work done at home and stay abreast of office events, this option was better than being at the office, getting nothing done and feeling frustrated. And it certainly was better than relinquishing my daily care of Emily.
When Emily was twenty months old, Ellen was born. Now it was time for real changes in my life--and again, I didn't know if I would be able to adjust to the disruption of my career. With two kids, it was increasingly difficult to get any law work done. I found I was often preoccupied with work matters. By trying to do so much--both as a lawyer and as a caregiver -- I was defeating my purpose of being home in the first place. All this time I wanted to maintain my own offce co that it would be there to return to, half-time, when the children were in school. The struggle to do a more effective job of parenting while being an effective boss and lawyer was stressful. My life was too fastpaced. I was often only physically there for my children, and mentally elsewhere.
Finally, I let go. At the end of 1990, I closed my bwiness and started sharing an office with some other lawyers. Relieved of administrative and supervisory duties, at last my life began to slow down.
After Ellen was born, we began to be with other people more, and even started a playgroup with two other stay-at-home moms. Now we spend time with friends in the neighborhood several times a week and our playgroup is active and growing. 1 share a lot of time with my two best friends (moms from the neighborhood), and we often take care of each other's children when one has an appointment, the kids want to play with each other, or we jwt need a break. I am completely accepted by the mom" in our playgroup.
I have found that being a mom has little or nothing to do with genitals, but a lot to do with actions, values, motivation,, caring, and nurturing. I view my role as a full-time dad as important. Linda thrives on being a working mother, but she asserts that she could not focus as well on her career without the knowledge that our kids were home with me. So the benefits of being a full-time dad are not only for me and the kids, but also for our whole family.l savor being a fulltime dad who also has the opportunity to work part-time, a little at the offce, a little at home. I feel good about being a contributing member of my neighborhood, and helping at Emily's pre-school. Best of all, I enjoy tsking care of my children and get a lot of fulfillment from it. I know the importance of being fully committed to my children, both physically and mentally. I also believe that I am trying to be to my children the mother and father that weren't there for me, and that is important for them as well. I have grown a lot and learned a lot from my kids.
Copyright 1991 Rick Geissal
Copyright Full-Time Dads. All rights reserved.