Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 4, originally appeared in print - October 1991
Dear Chris,
Many thanks to Stephen Harris for his article "The First Great Truth"(Issue #3) Reading of his inability to connect with his newborn, the subsequent anger, and the necessity of "taking off hats", I was struck by the similarities of our lives. I, too, had experienced all those things, but I stopped short of verbalizing them. Mostly, I kept the whole thing running in my head like a silent monologue.
Like Stephen Harris, I felt I had missed something because I didn't form an immediate bond with my first-born. None of the books I had read, or the gushing fathers I had spoken with, or the television and movie treatment of fathers in the delivery room had prepared me for the complete lack of feeling I had for that infant. When my daughter finally arrived after what seemed an interminable pregnancy fraught with nearly every complication in the textbook, 12 hours of labor, and an emergency C-section, I was so completely drained that I felt nothing so much as relief. Given the choice of staying in the operating room with my wife who had been through so much or accompanying the new baby to the nursery, I opted to stay with my wife. Later, I went down to the nursery and spent some time with mg new daughter. I was concerned about her; I felt responsible for her. But I wondered if any of the nurses were able to detect my apparent emotional dysfunction.
Fortunately, also like Stephen Harris, I had read enough to know that true bonding is a function of time and involvement so I didn't spend a lot of time worrying about it and hence didn't feel a particular need to talk about it. Only after reading those first few paragraphs of his article did I realize that what I've really been feeling all these years is the sence of being cheated. There was a feeling of disappointment with myself initially, and then annoyance for havin bought into the idea of instant bonding in the first place. For some fathers, it may happen; for me it didn't.
I applaud Mr. Harris' exammation of his anger and its sources. I, too, recognized my anger with something akin to horror. The sheer intensity of my feeling frightened me. I wondered exactly what it would take to turn me into an abuser. (One interesting note on the subject: A recent study seems to indicate that men who are actively involved in earing for their infants in the first three months of life are significantly less likely to abuse their chi1dren later.)
I don't recall a time frame for this article, but I'11 wager the author didn't discover the source of his anger overnight. Maybe I'm slow, but it literally took me years to come to the realization that the problem was within myself. I had long since given up calling myself a writer in public (since I had no printed body of work to show, or even any work in progress), but I had not given up the idea that I was a wrnter (with a capital "W") or, rather, I could be a Writer if only.... Finally, I had to admit to myself that Writers earn their title by virtue of what they do (i.e. They writeJ , and I wasn't doing it. So I hung that hat on the rack with the intention of reclaiming it when it fits better, and I became a person who writes sometimes -- a person who may someday Write. Furthermore, I allowed that if I never reclaim that hat -- if never become that Writer -- so be it. I made a choice, not sacrifice, when I decided to become a full-time father. The time I've had with my children cannot be valued on any scale: it is priceless.
I doubt that I could have contributed so much to the world, or garnered so much from it, through any other action.
Once again, these were not things which I sought to verbalize until now, it's sad to say, but I doubt that even my wife was aware I encountered these stumbling blocks (now milestones) in my life. An that's why a forum like FULL-TIME DADS is important. Why should we all struggle through these things without the benefft of sharing our experiences? It is true enough that we each have our own unique situation, but we don't need to keep reinventing the paternal karmic wheel.
As primary caregivers, mothers have been formmg friendships and informal support groups for years; there are any number of publications directed at women and designed to help them share experiences and cope with the day-to-day stresses of parenting. It's time for men, as caregivers, to stop wearing their isolation like a Boy Scout badge. Let's get together and help each other through this thing. Seek out men in similar circumstances and strengthen each other. Form groups. Write articles. Share your hard-earned wisdom and lighten our collective burden.
Steve Bragg
Copyright 1991 Chris Stafford
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