Full-Time Dads;
The E-Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 4, originally appeared in print - October 1991
Ever since my childhood, I have dreamed of being married with children. Today, I am living my dream come true but at a much more wide-screened level. I have assumed the position of fulltime dad, not by choice, but by necessity. This position was thrust upon me because of a work-related injury that forced me from my job. It was like a child's first experience in the dark, a feel of fright, the feel of not knowing what lies ahead. Here I was, staring into that same darkness I too experienced as a child. I was scared, not proud of being scared, but admittedly scared of such an uncertain or better yet, unpredictable pathway that lay ahead.My injury was devastating.l had already left all hopes of using my college educated background to become an over worked garbage man. I did it for the money. I worked hard for these people, 6 days a week, 1016 hours a day, just so l could provide a comfortable income for my family to live on. I forfeited time shared with my family for money earned and accepted that. I was terminated a year after my injury beeause of my injury. This termination coupled with the medical prognosis after my surgery left me in an uncontrollable state of depression. It just wasn't fair. The mere thought of being unemployed and unemployable at the same time ate away at me like a life-threatening cancer. My wife was forced to seek fulltime employment. Luckily, rather soon, she did. It was this day, the frst day alone with my children, that has changed every facet of my life.
My episode began 2 1 1/2 years ago. At present I have four ehildren, Jimmy 7, Corey Paul 3, Amanda 2 and Kelsey, soon to be one All so dear and beautiful. There were three things I knew for sure. First, I knew I would have to find peace with my injury. I had to learn to accept the fact that my physical life would have to be adjusted to accommodate the chronic back pain I would face every day. Second, I knew I would need some time to learn the fundamentals of raising children. I needed to secure some kind of pattem or routine that was easy enough for my children, as well as myself, to follow. This I knew I needed to establish even though to this day I am still at the mercy of my children and their individual routines. Third, I had no idea what I was getting into.
The past 2 1/2 years have been an enlightening struggle, an eventful and everlearning struggle. Four children, three in diapers at one time, are a lot to handle, especially when you have never done anything like raising children before. On one hand, I was fghting the reality of my injury and on the other I was trying desperately to penetrate the deep seated male ego walls that I had built so securely. I am learning to accept both and because of this slow but true acceptance, my life has been much more enjoyable. My ego is not one to give up easily though, he is a strong willed fellow who is not likely to go down for too long. I still fight back at it constantly. Now though, I feel I am beginning to finally take control of it. I envision my life as a circle. I was allowing threee quarters of that circle to be filled with negatives like self-doubt, ego irregularities, and a relentless aggression against the existence of my injury and the injustices served to me by my former employer. I am slowly turning the pages. I refuse to iet anything control my life again. I needed to keep my priorities in line. I needed to seek some type of peace with myself. There was no time to wallow in self-pity. There was no time to feel revengeful I had a job to do, being a dad, a full-time dad. My children deserved this. When times got rough and I would begin to slip away, I would search deep within myself and nurture any collection of strength I could gather. It has been this inner strength that has given me a taste of the peace hidden within me and kept me going. My wife, my children, and family have been the stepping stones, the confidence makers, the reassuring pats on the back, that have kept my spirits up and growing as well. I am beginning to believe that what I've been given is a gift. A unique treasure I may never have had a chance to experience. Through this I am able to appreciate my new lifestyle more and more.
My wife now faces the same trade-off I once had, time shared with the family versus money earned. Except, as in my case, there was no choice. She is our family breadwinner now. I am learning to bumble myself to that realization too. I am learning to be patient with myself that inversely has made me more understanding and patient with my children. I may only be in the early stages of breaking away from my circle of irregularities, but just the slight taste of it has been overwhelming. The grass is greener. The sky more blue. The weight on my shoulders seems to be lifting. Day by day I watch my children grow. Everything about them is truly amazing. I have promised myself that no ego, no company, and no injury will ever obstruct my love for my family again.
Copyright 1991 Paul Osad
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