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HELP WANTED :
M/F Willing to work Full Time Days & Part Time Nights, weekends included. Duties include, but not limited to: Child Care (All aspects). House Cleaning & General Maintenance. Cooking, Baking, Serving, Bussing and other assorted kitchen & household tasks. WE OFFER: No Advancement, No Vacation and NO Salary. No Experience Needed No Training Given.
Yes sir, that was the ad you answered. Congratulations Mr. Dad, its a . . . whole new career!
Just think of it, no more running for a train, no bus schedule, no traffic, no commuting. Now, when you roll out of bed, you're on the job, even when your sleeping, you're on the job. You have gotten out of that nine to five-grind for a nine to nine-shift, on call twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. You've replaced the three martini lunches with the four ounce bottles. You have given up your power meetings for powdered bottoms.
Congratulations, you're a father. But not just any father, you're a hands-on dad, a Housedad! And, you would not have it any other way. You will never regret it, but you may question the decision, often, very often. Nothing in your previous life will have prepared you for being a housedad. Until you actually stay at home with a baby, you have no idea what that job entails.
Do not be lulled into a false sense of security during those first few weeks when the child seems to sleep more than anything else. Spend that time wisely: complete all unfinished projects, store your hobby equipment way back in the closet - you will not be needing them anytime soon. Finish reading that current best seller, it will be the last non-baby-related material you'll be reading for a long time.
Sure, he/she is the cutest little thing you have ever seen, so tiny, so fragile, so beautiful. But, know this to be absolutely true, the very day the maternity leave runs out, the moment your dear devoted wife walks out the front door and returns to the real world, a metamorphosis takes place. That sleeping little bundle of joy seems never to sleep again. To eat every five minutes, to need a change every ten. You have already had a day and its not even lunch time yet.
Those who do not stay a home with children all have the same question for those who do; "What do you do, all day?"
You will be expected to get up off the couch, turn off the talk shows, put away the Bon-Bons and fire up the stove. Cooking is part of the job. But, if you think Cordon Bleu roughly translates into ham and cheese, if your greatest culinary challenge is finding a can opener that works, invest in a cookbook. Because, Boyardee is not a gourmet chef and only bachelors think three day old pizza, straight from the box, is nourishment.
Okay, since we're on the subject, there are other things you should know. Housework will become an issue. Male and female cleanliness is as different as male and female anatomy. Women are from Venus, men are from the Asteroid Belt. Do not let is become a serious argument; if she wants it cleaner, let her do it. However, just because you do the cooking, the cleaning and the diaper changing, does not necessarily mean that your wife will mow the lawn, shovel the snow or change a light bulb. Yes, you are the man about the house but you are still the man of the house.
So forget all those great plans that you had, at least for a while. You will not have all this free time on your hands. Nothing is more demanding than an infant (with the exception of a toddler, but there is no need to frighten you now).
Getting out and about, with a newborn, can be very challenging. If you have a winter baby, especially with the winter's we've been having, you can become a virtual shut-in. Nevertheless, you've finally made it out of the house; packed up that silly looking bag with all the necessary parenting tools, and enough outfits to clothe an entire Gymboree class and you head to the great outdoors.
If you have ever wondered what it is like to be a geek in the freak show, wait until you cruise the supermarket or mall during the day. Or enter a playground for the first time - a man in the playground, even one pushing a baby stroller, is treated in roughly the same manner as a predator on the Serengeti. Or join one of those Mommy & Me play groups. You've heard the expression slacked jawed, but have you ever really seen it?
Suffice it to say, they will not be speaking to you much, and really, it is better that way, because that is the time when you begin to notice a slow erosion of your social skills. You find it difficult to form complete sentences. You hear yourself speaking in a squeaky, singsong voice, or Dr. Suess styled rhymes. You will start quoting from such illuminati as Mr. Rogers, Burt and Ernie and Kermit the Frog. You can talk in depth about the adventures of Winnie the Pooh, the foibles of Lamb Chop and Charlie Horse, Barney says. Oh yes, now you really watch PBS more than any other station.
Not to worry, though, it is only a temporary condition. With a little practice those adult social skills you've spent your lifetime acquiring and honing will come back. However, humming nursery rhymes, and singing the theme songs from children shows, seem to linger much longer.
Once you have re-mastered your social skills, don't be afraid to utilize those children's groups, even try invading the Mommy & Me play groups. You probably will get some odd looks when you first arrive, but that should pass.
As long as you do not realize their worst fears and start eating their young.
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