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Full-Time Dads;
The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 13, originally appeared in print - January 1995
A Practical Guide for Maximizing the Most Important Hours of Your Day
By Greg Johnson and Mike Yorkey
© 1992 Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL
Reviewed by David Wean (david@delphi.com)
This book, from the National Center for Fathering, appears to be written for working fathers who want to improve the quality and amount of time spent with their families. As a dad who works outside the home only half the week, I knew that it wouldn't be completely speaking to me. When I began reading the book, it became quickly apparent that it is really written for the Christian family man. On the cover, there's no indication of this (you can't judge a book...) Undaunted, I read on.
"Daddy's Home" is based partly on questionnaires completed by 101 men identified by church pastors and Focus on the Family staff as exceptional fathers. The authors conducted lengthy phone interviews with half of these dads. Their stories and observations flesh out the authors' points. The survey and a summary of the responses are included as an appendix.
The book has a real patriarchal flavor. In the first chapter we're told that, "The captain of the family is the father." Later on the authors go to great lengths to show why mom should stay home. It's funny, but their reasons for moms to stay home are the same ones given by many dads who choose to stay at home with their children!
Only a few of the 16 chapters related to what the book appeared to be about: busy dads improving their fathering by better spending their home hours with their family. The authors make a case for the importance of time with your kids, and acknowledge how hard it is to change habits. They point out that the stewardship of the hours between 5:00 and 10:00 PM is an important responsibility for a dad who works outside the home full time. Further, there's a worksheet to log your time, so you can take stock of how you spend these precious hours. An intriguing idea is to write a family mission statement, to help you determine which activities are worth doing and which aren't.
The time conservation tips are basic but sensible:
The tips for improving use of your time also seem helpful:
There are even tips for being a good dad when you're on the road: Call home every day. Do something special with each child before you go. Gifts don't soften the blow of your not being around. The authors have suggestions for better managing your personal interests: Tape your football games and watch them later. Find a hobby you share with the kids. Reserve a (short) time to yourself when you get home from work. Instead of watching TV, read (it's easier to stop to converse). Keep fit in a time-efficient way (close to home, bike with the kids, jog at work).
A few chapters cover the husband-wife relationship. Despite the religious context, there are some important ideas here:
The ingredients to an improved sex life are more of the same: Patience, courtesy, respect, sharing (not manipulation), and honest communication. Again, there's the "working dad/homemaker mom" bias: "When I clean up after dinner, that shows I love her because she knows I hate rinsing dishes and washing pots and pans. For me and my wife, sex does begin in the kitchen."
Each chapter ends with a list of three questions to consider, such as "Can you think of other ways you can reserve more time for your family?" or "Identify activities you have shared with your children in the past week. Which of these helped you to feel closer to the children-and to your wife?"
The balance of the book consists of chapters that had only marginal relevance to me: A chapter on Satan's temptations ("avoid situations that stimulate impure thoughts"). Another on Christian accountability groups for men, which make a good case for mens' groups in general and mention some techniques the authors had used for developing close relationships with other men. Another on overextending yourself to your church, which has some time management tips applicable to anyone who volunteers outside the home. A couple more on living a life that will help bring others to Christ, and the importance of Bible study and time for prayer. The chapter entitled "Every Home Is a Stage", while focusing on religious values and habits, makes general points about role modeling and hypocrisy that are useful for anyone to consider.
The book ends with an action plan, the survey summaries and quotes from the dads on "What makes a Good Dad" and "What makes a Good Husband," which I found interesting to read.
This is a guide written for a very specific group of men, and I'm not one of them. After I sifted through the religious focus, at first all I found was the underlying set of "traditional" patriarchal assumptions. Looking beyond that, I did find ideas and advice that rang true. However, it seems to me the book would have wider appeal if the topic were covered more directly, without the religious emphasis.
By Anne Mazer, with illustrations by Steve Johnson.
Published by Alfred A. Knopf, New York.
I've been looking for this book for a long time. It's a story of a boy who finds a salamander, and wants to bring it home to keep as a pet. The text is in the form of a dialog between the boy and his mother as they discuss what the salamander will need to live comfortably. Eventually, the boy has transformed his room into a forest, complete with trees, moss, mushrooms, bugs and birds.
What captured my attention, beyond the fact that it's a beautiful story, beautifully illustrated, is that it centers on a boy in a very nurturing, caring role. He thinks nothing of completely remaking his environment to suit his salamander. Never mind that most little boys would probably love an excuse to rip off the roof and grow trees in their rooms; here is a portrait of a boy in a care-taking role. Recommended reading.
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