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Full-Time Dads;
The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 13, originally appeared in print - January 1995
I have recently reflected on the types of men who want custody of their children. I have advised hundreds of men over the past eight years who have wanted to remain a father to their children. Gender bias runs deep! My own biases have been shattered by the diversity of men who have shown up to speak with me. Let me share some of the profiles of nurturing fathers.
One man who showed up several years ago was far from a "Mr. Mom" type. He was poor, uneducated, and his child support payments left him homeless. His ex-wife did not want him around his child. He was too poor to hire an attorney and not knowledgeable enough to appear pro se. What he did have was a sense of obligation and love for his child.
A medical doctor with post-graduate education and dedication to his son eventually, through two years of legal battles, won the right to have his son on a regular basis. His vindictive wife had few limits on her desire to exclude him from seeing his son. She employed psychologically damaging means to exclude the father, even though her tactics were severely harming her son.
A biological father and his new wife have spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to keep up with a mother who has run from state to state to make sure the father could not see his child. The father was only seeing his child about once every six months, but he had a driving desire to be as much a father as he could for his mostly-absent child. The father and his new wife have wandered through various state jurisdictions to maintain his presence with his child.
A leftover-sixties fellow has been harassed by the courts in a rural Wisconsin county. He's been falsely accused of sexual abuse of his young daughter, and every time he goes to pick up his children, his ex-wife attempts to set him up for harassment and a restraining order. Every pick-up of his children is stressful, but his fatherly love drives him to continue. He now must bring a witness with him and he tapes all pick-ups of his kids.
A forty-something vet shows up with rough hands from driving trucks and earth-moving equipment. He's not the reading type, just a simple, good man who says he can cook a better meal than his ex-wife. He needs an attorney to help straighten out his financial settlement. He wants 50-50 custody, even though he works 60 hours a week. It's not the child support he wants to avoid. His rough, callused hands crave to give tenderness to his daughter.
None of these men fit a "Mr. Mom" stereotype. Some are old, some young. Some are politically conservative, some liberal. Some are well-educated, while others can barely write a sentence. Some have traditional, female-style nurturing skills, and all have traditional, male-style nurturing skills. Our courts have yet to overcome the bias that male nurturing skills are not as important for the welfare of children as female nurturing skills. However, even though these men are diverse, they share the following characteristic. These dads all love their children and know that fathering is far more than paying a child support order. They realize that children need fathers to survive and prosper, and they struggle against the odds so that their children will bloom and grow.
James Novak is an attorney practicing in Madison, WI. This article was reprinted with the kind permission of Seattle M.E.N. Magazine. For subscription information, send a SASE to:
Seattle Men's Evolvement Network
602 Howe St.
Seattle, WA 98119, or call 206-285-4356.
Copyright 1994 James Novak
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