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Full-Time Dads;
The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 13, originally appeared in print - January 1995
In the last issue of Full-Time Dads I wrote about a woman who was feeling hurt and angry, but hadn't realized it until she started talking about it. Shortly after writing that article, I received a letter from a father struggling with the same feelings, but for a different reason.
He wrote, "I recently came across your article, The Goals of Parenting, in the April issue of FTD. I identified with your inheritance of a father with a 'wounded spirit'...I currently struggle, both in and out of therapy, with a resolution for my emotional neediness, and my intense personal anger with (my father) which I cannot express. Can you address in a future article how to deal with anger toward these (wounded spirits) so that the wounds and the anger are not passed on to our daughters, and especially our sons? I want my son to know who I am, so that he will come and visit when I am old and enjoy the time. My visits with my father are shallow, and I fear his death may intrude on any resolution."
Expressing any feeling is difficult, especially if we never learned how. Although anger is certainly a feeling to be reckoned with in its own right, it is also closely tied with many others. Sometimes, acknowledging and accepting all of the related feelings-fear, hurt, sadness, loneliness, shame-is enough to dissipate the anger.
I feel anger. I also feel hurt. I feel anger. I also feel sad. I feel anger. I also feel fear. I feel anger. I also feel disappointed. I feel anger. I also feel lonely. I feel anger. I also feel inadequate. I feel anger. I also feel like a failure. I feel anger. I also feel unloved. I feel anger. I also feel unappreciated. I feel anger. I also feel...it's all related. We feel all of these things-from our experiences growing up and for lots of other reasons. Regardless of where they came from or why they're there, there are a couple of important points to consider: feelings come and go; that is the nature of feelings. We are not the feelings themselves. Actually, we aren't even the one experiencing the feeling. We are the one who knows the feeling is there. It may seem like a rather esoteric point, but understanding this paragraph can be life-transforming.
Anger begets anger. Staying focused on anger usually leads us to nowhere except more anger. Justifying, defending or rationalizing any feeling, especially anger, is a "no-win" solution. So is always looking for what went wrong, what is broken, what is missing or who did what to whom. At the same time, it does no good to ignore or deny that the anger we feel is real, that it is clouding and affecting our outlook, attitudes, and relationships. All in all, anger is a pretty confusing feeling to deal with. This is what makes it so hard to master. I doubt we ever really get rid of anger; it's a natural human response. What we do with it is what makes all difference. Learning to acknowledge, accept, feel and finally let go is what I think it's all about. Not to mention doing it without hurting ourselves or others in the process.
The best way for our kids to know who we really are is for us to know who we really are: the subtle and not-so-subtle, the obvious and the not-so-obvious, the acceptable and the unacceptable-the good, the bad and the ugly. The more we know and accept ourselves, the more comfortable we are with the entire package, the easier it will be to let others know us. If we have dark, hidden sides, unacceptable sides that we ourselves have trouble with, everyone, our kids included, will have trouble with those sides. The more intense or murky these sides are, the harder it will be for people to enjoy being around us.
As unrealistic or impossible as it may seem at times, we need to find a way to do with our children what our fathers were unable to do with us, to give our own kids what our fathers, for whatever reason, could not give us. So to the dad who shared so genuinely with me-let the relationship with your father serve as the model and a reminder of what not to be. Find the heart in yourself. Find the warmth and tenderness, the gentleness and kindness, the love and compassion that is available in every human heart.
Come to know these qualities in yourself and your children will want to be with you. Find the heart-it's there underneath everything you feel. Don't identify as much with the feelings as with the deeper truth of who you are: consciousness, awareness, love. Understand who you really are. The closer you get to the inner essence, the more people will bask in that love. It is as natural as the sun giving light. It is the essence of parenting. Find the love within your heart and your future with your children will be assured.
Copyright 1994 Vic Goodman
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