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Full-Time Dads;
The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 14, originally appeared in print - March 1995
The day my son was born, so was I. Reborn as a new person, a real adult gazing at this wondrous, tiny being who depended on me for nearly everything. The sense of responsibility was overwhelming, but one that I embraced wholeheartedly. Nearly eleven years later, I feel no differently.
The first five years of my son's life were idyllic. No one had to tell me that a father plays an important nurturing role for his children. There was nothing I couldn't and wouldn't do in taking care of my child except, that is, for breastfeeding, and if I could have done that, I would have. The responsibility for my child at that time was very personal and internal to the family structure.
Then the divorce came and life seemed upside down for awhile. My son's mother and I worked out a very reasonable joint custody arrangement and our child has benefited greatly from that. He spends roughly equal time with both of us and has never felt that he lost a parent. But even with that, there were changes and perhaps the most important was the intrusion of the rest of the world into our lives.
The first event was the day I picked my son up at daycare and he told me that the teachers always tell them that 3 o'clock is "Mommy Time." The next was the phone solicitor for a well-known collection of children's books who wanted to speak to the woman of the house and basically didn't seem to feel that I, as a father, could reasonably determine what books my child might enjoy. These events might seem somewhat trivial, but at the time the obvious societal prejudice toward fathers of young children greatly disturbed me and as a result I went looking for an organization that could support my new role as a single parent. Finding such a group was not an easy task and where I finally ended up was a far cry from what I thought I was looking for, but the rewards of that journey have been so much greater than I could have hoped.
I eventually found a local chapter of the National Coalition of Free Men (NCFM). This is a generalist men's organization that concerns itself with a variety of issues that affect men in their personal, professional and political lives. I began by having an interest in the roles of the father, as I have explained. After six years, I have an interest in dozens of issues related to men's lives. More importantly, I feel that my involvement in these areas is one of the most important legacies I can leave my child.
Men face discrimination in so many areas of life that articles about each one could fill several issues of a magazine like this. I still retain an intense interest in efforts to elevate the perception of fatherhood to its rightful place alongside that of motherhood. I have learned about the devastating effects that the divorce system in America can have on fathers and their essential relationships with their children. My own divorce was amicable and reasonable, but I now know how lucky I was. NCFM joins with father's rights groups nationwide in calling attention to and trying to seek equitable solutions to the divorce dilemma.
Men's health is virtually ignored in America, whereas to read in the media one would think that the opposite is true. Men die earlier and at higher rates than women in all the major causes of death, and yet, women's health has become a governmental priority issue. We must work toward the day when the health of all people will receive equal priority. The military draft in this country is inherently sexist. When we constantly hear in the media that women are fit for any role in the military that men are, why is it that only men are required to register for the military draft? Draft registration should be either totally abolished or gender neutral. There are countless other issues of equal importance and men must organize and speak out.
Men's organizations like NCFM are the cornerstone of the men's movement. As a generalist organization, NCFM addresses a wide variety of important issues and can serve as an umbrella for centralizing the concerns of organizations with a more specific focus. The work that organizations like NCFM undertake is vital to society, vital to creating a truly equal society.
As a father, I have come to believe that involvement in the men's movement is crucial. This is true because I want to protect my own rights as a man and as a father. But more importantly for me, as my child grows toward adulthood, I want to do all that I can to insure that he finds a world where his ability to succeed in every aspect of his life depends on his interests and abilities and not on his gender. I would feel the same if I had a daughter; true equality works both ways. Now that I have traveled this far along this road, I can do no less.
Dani McBeth is a 41-year-old single father residing on Long Island, New York. Fathering and his work with the National Coalition of Free Men take up much of his spare time. He is a college professor, teaching and doing research in microbiology.
Copyright 1994 Dani L. McBeth, Ph.D.
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