Confessions of a Days Inn Dad; Issue 14 January 1995

Full-Time Dads;

The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers

Issue 14, originally appeared in print - March 1995

Confessions of a Days Inn Dad

By Dean Hughson

It is a popular thing in the 90's to admit to one's problems and acknowledge what it is that one has no power over. So in front of all of you and God and humanity, I would like to admit that I am a Days Inn Dad and have no control or power over my children other than through praying for them.

You ask: What is a Days Inn Dad? Well, this is what I have evolved into. I started out as a proud dad-in the operating room with 2 of the 3 and just outside on the first, welcoming my new children to this world. I can remember crying and saying to myself "This is what life is all about!"

Then I was a Little League soccer Dad. Standing out in the rain and snow with my little guy Josh and watching him kick that ball (with the coach and his parents saying Kick it, Josh!!!!!). I was a Ballet and Dance recital Dad for a long time also, watching Rachel and Liz do ballet, jazz, tap, and creative dance (if I have to say so myself they were really cute in their little pink tights). I was a loving Dad with my kids-driving them around in their car seats and taking them to car washes when they were too young to even walk, etc. I used to hold each of my children on my chest and love and hold them and watch them with wonder and think Fatherhood is where it is at. I was a stay at home dad from 1989-1991, driving the kids to school and Hebrew School and to their friends.

But on May 28, 1991 this all changed. You see, that was the day that I became a Days Inn Dad. If you get divorced and don't live in the same city as your children you have to have someplace to call 'home' when you fly 1300 miles out to see them. Now, don't get me wrong-I haven't always been a Days Inn Dad. I have been a Sheraton Dad, a Scottsdale Plaza Resort Dad, a Hyatt Dad, and even a Motel 6 Dad a time or two but most recently I have been a Days Inn Dad. It is sort of a sterile feeling-a room, 2 queen size beds, a refrigerator, a TV with movies, and a pool...it is a bit different from the life-style that my kids were/are used to in the 5,000 sq. foot house that they consider home since they live with their mom.

Now, I am certainly not a deadbeat Dad (though I might become one if the continued court battles and beatings at the hand of my ex continues), but I am not quite the proud Dad I used to be. It is hard to keep your head up high when "Dad" means a weekend at a Days Inn, a movie and a few meals and then a visit to you in Missouri for some hurried time. It is difficult to feel like a Dad when you "visit" your children per the court order or they visit you. It is difficult to feel like a Dad when you realize that the court holds control over your children and has given it to your ex-spouse and she doesn't share much of it, even though you have shared legal custody. But I try some and cry some doing it.

You ask: What is a Days Inn Dad? Well, this is what I have evolved into. I started out as a proud dad, but my daughter's continued alienation from me was too much and I said something to her. "Rachel, I appreciated you calling your grandmother today and talking to her: that showed good respect. It hurts me that you continue to refuse to see me or talk to me when I visit. I find it strange that you wave at the yardman who cuts the grass at your house but don't even come out the front door to say hi to me". Her reply was: "Well, that is how it is."

And, gang, she is right-for Days Inn Dads and Moms there are many things that are just that way. It ain't fair but it is how it is. Divorce and custody problems aren't fair and it don't matter if you are a Hyatt Dad, a Marriott Mom, or a Days Inn Dad, this is one hell to live through.

Dean Hughson resides in Las Vegas Nevada, writes the ASK THE DIVORCED
GUY column (http://www.divorcesupport.com) and can be reached at
dean@priimeneti.com.

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