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Full-Time Dads;
The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 16, originally appeared in print - July 1995
I recently had the honor of representing the male of the species on a panel of parenting experts before a junior high school class called Life Skills. I was joined on the panel by three moms and one other dad, all of us culled from the local environs. I guess what we all had in common was a certain friend who is a volunteer coordinator for the school, and a certain vulnerability when someone considers us to be an expert with advice and wisdom worthy of sharing with seventh graders. High honor, indeed.
This was not the first time I had done this; no, I have become a regular in Mrs. Smith's Life Skills class. The kids all try to act interested, at least for the first part of the class. They prepare questions during the class before, so there are no awkward silences to betray their desire to be elsewhere. (I'm not being snide; I was a seventh grader once too...) They pass around a basket, each taking three strips of paper with questions on them, and, after a little prompting, someone breaks the ice and asks the first question.
They are fairly basic questions, nothing so probing that we old folks on the dais can't handle them, and I really do wonder if these kids hear anything we say. After all, we're just another bunch of grown-ups, and parents as well, spouting off about how hard it was to raise them. I think we panelists all tried to avoid being moralistic or preachy, and the format didn't allow for sermons, but still ,we are parents talking about our kids. I think the class would be a lot more fun if it were done several years later, say with high school seniors, kids who have learned not to be daunted by people as old as 36.
Still, I went away from each experience with this class filled with hope. When I was in junior high, if there even was a class like this, I never heard of it, and I doubt you'd find many boys sitting through it. Mrs. Smith's class was at least half male. They all have to tote around a five pound bag of flour for the duration of the term, to give them some tiny inkling of what it is like to be responsible for a baby. Granted, after a few weeks they get to make pancakes out of their "babies," but there is something encouraging in seeing these boys with snugglies around their necks, asking me about my experiences as a parent. They are being exposed, to whatever degree they allow themselves to be, to ideas about parenthood and adulthood, and that can only be healthy.
It is stuff that my classmates and I never gave any thought to that I can remember. Some of us might have known that having sex, whatever that was, would make a baby, but beyond that I don't think we had a clue. These kids, while they still can't have any real idea of what it is like, at least have begun to consider parenthood.
I mentioned these thoughts in passing to the teacher as I watched one class file sheepishly out, and another file in. I told her I was very pleased to see such a class, and even more so to see boys partaking, and perhaps more pleases still to see boys and girls together talking about puberty and parenthood. I told her I was very happy to offer the idea that a man was viable as a parent, and as a primary parent at that, something many of these kids might not have thought of before.
Perhaps I am overly optimistic to think that one or two of those boys might be considering the fact that fatherhood is an option, not a duty, and that caring for children is something he can do and do well. Perhaps one or two of the girls will begin to look at boys a little differently, and perhaps go on to form relationships based on a different understanding of gender roles. Call me a starry-eyes optimist, but we all need a certain amount of fantasy to see us through. It helps to think that my experience is valuable to kids on the brink of adulthood. It helps to validate to myself what I am doing, and I am pleased to be given the chance to pass it on to others younger than I.
Some of you might consider going down to your local junior or senior high school this fall, and asking if a similar class is being offered. Volunteer a little of your time to spread the word about fatherhood. The teachers and staff will be thrilled that you offer, and you just might make a difference in some kid's life. I know it will make a difference in your life.
Copyright 1994 Stephen Harris
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