On Discipline; Issue 17 September 1995

Full-Time Dads;

The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers

Issue 17, originally appeared in print - September 1995

On Discipline

By By Frank Cipriani

"Frank I don't want us to spank the children." My wife was adamant. I thought, swell, we're going to do the pretentious, sensitive sixties thing and spawn materialistic hedonists.

Not so long as I was the Papa. Discipline must be maintained in order that my children ... that my children what? Obey me?

After lots of soul searching, I realized that I was concerned about the impression I would make on other people through my children. I wanted well disciplined children so that I could impress my peers... No, it was even worse! I wanted well-disciplined children so I could impress my parents.

I examined what made spanking appeal to me. I had been spanked, and I had always walked away defiant. I wanted my children to be defiant, like me. My God, I actually wanted discipline to fail because I wanted my children to be like me.

Children are born without limits or bounds. The job of the parent is to define the boundaries of what is possible for that child. You spend the first four years of your child's development telling them that they cannot fly, and you spend the next ten equipping them with the means to prove you wrong. The next three should be spent gently nudging the child toward the edge of the nest, and finally watching them fly off.

Protection and self-confidence. Build the barriers, and give your kids the internal strength to break through them when the time comes. That is the goal of discipline. Beyond this is the goal of survival itself: I discipline my children that my people may live. I prepare them not only to be adults, but also to some day be ancestors.

I believe that one method of discipline must work at every age, adjusting only for level of understanding. I must even be willing to use it on other adults. This way, the step from being accountable for oneself to accountability for others is a natural one.

I found the method I was searching for from the most unlikely source. At a good-riddance book sale at the library, I came across a trendy, horribly written book called the One Minute Scolding. Since the only alternative to spanking I knew of was time out or punishment, both of which I have problems with (after all, are you really going to send a fifteen-year-old to time out?), I decided to give the One Minute Scolding a six week trial period. I've never looked back.

The book advocates the following approach: Every time a child does something that goes against the rules, immediately, walk over to the child, and make physical contact with them. With my daughters this means sitting them on my lap, with my hands on their shoulders. I then say, "Look at me! You flushed Mommy's ring down the toilet (whatever)! Mommy told you t' stay out of her jewelry box. You didn't' listen to the rule. And when you don't listen, it makes me ANGRY." I yell, growl, whatever. I let them feel the whole extent of my wrath, let it all out, then I wait.

I never let the scolding become a dialog. The most you should pause after expressing your anger is around twenty-five seconds.

Then my tone becomes gentle. I tell my girls that it isn't them I am angry at them, that they are good girls and that I always love them very much, and that if any other member of the family had done the same thing, I would feel the same way.

After that, it's quiz time. For Francesca, who is only two, it consists of saying, "Papa says don't climb on the furniture so you don't climb on the ..." and Francesca says, "foorchur." For Emma, I might ask, "What will happen if you climb on the furniture?" Emma might say, "It gives Francesca bad example. " Then I might remind her of the time she climbed up and fell through a pane of plate glass. "That's what I don't want to happen again," I say. We have now established a common goal, and we will work together to correct the behavior. Finally I say, "If you do it again, I will give you a..." and the children say, "Scolding" and that's the end of it. It's over. I never mention the behavior again. The child has been scolded, and it's time to get on with life. It doesn't take more than a minute.

The other half of the formula is praising. Whenever the children respond properly, I give them a ritual praising. For instance, when Francesca resists the urge to climb up on the furniture, I make a big fuss. Once she is settled in my lap, I say, "What do I have on my face?" The answer is usually: "A happy smile!" I tell her what she did, and that it has made me happy and very, very..." "Proud of you," both girls shout. "Now you're always good girls, and I'm always very VERY proud of you! AND when you do something great like chat Papa will give you a... "PRAISING!" the girls sing.

The book also talks about setting goals, but I have to admit, I haven't been really diligent in this. When we have set goals, we have achieved them, but they aren't posted on a wall anyplace, nor are they reviewed. In an ideal world, you and your children should set goals, write them down, or depict them in some way, and review them every day from the earliest days. This is especially important for older children.

Praisings and scoldings are almost enough to get you through; indeed, they are the front lines of discipline in my household. However, they will work only if the following conditions are met:

You must be consistent. You must scold the behavior each time. When I feel lazy I tell myself that a little work now will save a mess of work later.
Do not attempt to correct too many behaviors at the same time. First, discipline the child in matters of personal safety. Second, discipline the child-in matters concerning the safety of others, and I mean life-threatening behaviors. Third, discipline the child in matters concerning hurting another person's feelings, then expand to questions of politeness, and then on to cultural subtleties, like please and thank you.
Whatever behavior you expect in your child, you must exhibit in yourself. A child will do as you do, not as you say. So don't expect your child to keep a civil tongue if you're constantly cussing at the television.
Present a unified front. No matter how much you hate the way your spouse is prohibiting the children from this or that, you must support them and have your arguments in private. Never be sarcastic or belittling when referring to your spouse in front of your children. You are slicing them in half when you do this.

Here are some other weapons in the discipline arsenal:

Honor your parents. Parents are an exasperating lot, but by the age of three, your children already know that their grandparents are your parents. The way you talk about your own parents is the way your children are going to talk about you.
My daughters make their beds and clean the dishes every morning. If they do it all well, they stand on chair-podiums, and each receive gold medals and a kiss on both cheeks while I hum the National Anthem. They feel good about themselves, because they can contribute to the running of the household.
My response to "I don't want to!": "I know you don't. I hear you. Now please do it.
God. Emma has always been fascinated with the bible story about the temptation of Jesus. She kind of rewrote the story so that Jesus says to the Devil: "I don't want your stinkin' kingdom!" My mother told her that God laughs and the Devil gets frightened when she does something good. It isn't my theology, but children's ideas evolve. Mine did. And, it's a powerful motivator.
Something bigger than yourself: Once, the baby-sitter intervened in a fight over who was to sleep in he tiny bed. The sitter asked, "Whose bed is this?" My daughter replied, "We are "gatherers. We share everything." Because I have taught her about "gathering wild edibles and shown her the earth-minded ethic behind it, Emma considers herself a member of a tribe which calls itself "The Gatherers," and in fact, this is what we call our tribe. Our family has its own flag, its own rituals, even its own language. The children will latch onto that identity, and even if they feel tempted to do otherwise, if some act is unworthy of a "Gatherer," they will think twice before doing it. It also provides a smooth transition to questions of why we are going against the social norms, questions about why papa stays at home and Mommy goes to work.

The following is a list of discipline priorities. Once I have established #1, I move onto the next stage. Each stage moves the child closer to independent decision making.

Establishing the routine: I don't really expect my children to respond effectively to discipline before the age of two, but I discipline them just the same. This way the routine is established.
Danger to self: Set pre-determined parameters and decide in advance which actions represent potentially life-threatening behavior. Tackle these behaviors first.
Danger to others: very difficult for a two-year old or less to put someone else's life in danger. At-least you'd think....
Hurtful behavior: The next step is to encourage the concept of empathy.
Respect: The elder dining. In our house, for instance, the grown-ups are served dinner before the children, and the oldest before the youngest.
Culture: default discipline: Why do we have to wear ties to a wedding? This is an easy dining to discipline. Even if you don't do the disciplining, society will enforce its own standards.
Illogical rules: why why why? What's the logic of saying "Bless you" when someone sneezes? Why should we raise our hands in class before speaking? Why can't we run outside naked?
The Law is Wrong: Raising a healthy radical child. You must teach your children how to oppose the will of others. This could be as simple as learning to politely say, "I disagree", or as complicated as judging the motives of a stranger.

óFrank Cipriani 32 years old, is the father of two; Emma, almost 5,and Franecsca, 2, and is expecting a baby in September. He teaches primitive survival skills; his wife is a lawyer. Frank is the author of one book, Quien Va Escribir Este Libro, published by Tu Llave Argentina, and is included in a compendium of the best Argentinian short stories of 1986-1987.

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