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Full-Time Dads;
The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 18, originally appeared in print - November 1995
A good friend of mine (we'll call him John, since that's his name...) has recently decided to become a Full-Time Dad. He's been taking care of his two kids for almost two years now, but he's only recently made the decision to be a Full-Time Dad. Notice the capital letters there...
John and his wife Julie had saved up a big nest egg, and John stayed home when his daughter Ellen was born about two years ago. They had done the daycare route with their first, Jack, and didn't want to do it again. John, who had been working in television production prior to that, figured he'd be home until the money ran out.
Well, the money ran out late this past summer, and John reluctantly went out on the job hunt. He told me that he had finally found something he truly wanted to do - take care of his children - and now, due to financial concerns, he wasn't able to do it. John went to a few interviews, was offered a few positions, but knew his heart wasn't in it.
So he and Julie decided they'd find some way to let John stay at home. They decided that John would go through the rigorous process of getting state certified as a home daycare provider. Not only did that mean that he had to prepare for the inspection teams that would soon invade his home, but it made him take a long look at the commitment he had made to his family.
That's when he made the switch from a dad who was taking time off from work to take care of his kids to a Full-Time Dad. The job became a career, and John started taking it a lot more seriously. With the decision to stay at home, John became a career Full-Time Dad.
John and I are in a dads group that has been meeting for a few months. I've seen a change in the way he deals with his kids, and the way he feels about himself since he made the decision. Not only has he taken his role as Father more seriously, he's taken the job of Homemaker more seriously as well.
I've been doing this for seven years, and I find that every now and then things begin to slip. I spend more time, both physical and emotional, away from my kids. There is a certain distance that creeps in. My kids let me know all of this, but I have learned ways to avoid seeing their messages. Watching John take a hard look at his Fatherhood directed me to take a look at my own, and to reaffirm the commitments I had made seven years ago.
This experience points out to me how important it is for full-time dads to seek each other out. This is the kind of thing that we can give each other, this is the kind of thing that we depend on each other for. I was in a playgroup for a long time that was all moms and me. In perhaps two years of being that in group, nice people and good parents all, I never got anything close to the affirmation and support for my fatherhood that I've gotten from John and the dads group we are part of. Despite the difficulty in defining it, there is something about being a dad at home that can only be appreciated by other dads.
Being a full-time dad is more than just being at home. It is more than taking care of the house. Sometimes we have to look outside ourselves for reminders of what it means, and for that, I am lucky to have a friend like John.
Copyright 1994 Steve Harris
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