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Full-Time Dads;

The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers

Issue 18, originally appeared in print - November 1995

Respect Your Uncles

By David Charles

Everyone's so excited when the baby comes. And they should be. I wouldn't want to take anything away from the proud parents of a newborn.

But I do have a simple question: Why are the uncles of the baby virtually ignored? Think about it: Fathers get to give out cigars that boast, "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" And grandmas get to wear those neat #1 Grandma charms, and are congratulated whether they like being called "Grandma" or not.

But do uncles even get a simple congratulations? Rarely. Somehow the birth of a niece or nephew makes us invisible to our family and friends.

So I say that it's time to put a stop to the injustices that uncles have had to deal with over the years. Listen, uncles, it's time for us to stop hiding our grief; it's time to speak out and be recognized. I have a vision for uncles everywhere - and it doesn't involve being ignored by our own flesh and blood. I am prepared and determined to lead my fellow uncles into the future - a future filled with opportunity for us all. Okay, enough rallying, let's get right to my game plan:

The Uncle-Certification Program: I have personally designed an intensive three-day workshop, and I must warn it is not for the timid. The credo reads: "A program specifically oriented toward the acquisition and mastery of skills required in unclehood." Sounds impressive, doesn't it? Here's how it works: After a series of lectures by noted experts in the child-care profession, the particlpants endure a comprehensive examination given in three parts.

• Part One: "Hands-On: Getting Down and Dirty." Participants are required to change dirty diapers for three hours, with only one 10 minute break. But these are no ordinary dirty diapers; they're specially blended by a Iaboratory.

• Part Two: A written examination that rivals the LSAT. It consists of a series of essay questions like, "Who and what is colic; when and why does it occur, how and when does it go away" and "If someone is leaving on a train at 3:30 p.m., and you are leaving the same destination in a car at 10:30 p.m., who will get to Cincinnati first, if the train goes by way of Florida, and you go through Texas, pick up grandma and visit the Alamo!" Granted, it's not specifcally related to child care, but if you can figure out the answer to that question. you can watch a kid for a couple of hours.

• Part Three: Really separates the men from the boys - or as I like to say the real uncles from the wanna-be uncles. It's a simulated baby-sitting experience involving three children. One is a newborn (enough said). The other two children, ages four to six, are experimenting with sibling rivalry.

To increase the level of difficulty, all toys and aII videos have been removed from the premises. It's just you and the kids for a minimum of five hours. Incidentally, the six-year-old has eaten three miillion grams of sugar and the four-year-old sings the infamous Barney song over and over and over again.

Okay, so maybe I'm overdoing it a little with the whole Barney thing. But in order for us uncles to gain the respect we deserve, we're going to have to prove that we are capable of handling any situation. Then and only then will be become visible again to our family and friends. We might even get an occasional word of thanks for our free (and never-ending) baby-sitting.

It's not much, I admit. But with time, we could become so powerful that we'll invite the unappreciated aunts of this world to join us in our fight.

After all, if we want more recognition, we have to take these drastic measures to ensure our success. we can't simply ask for respect; we have to demand it.

Let's start right now. Today. Stick with me, and we'll take our families by storm!

If you're interested in joining forces with David Charles, you should contact him directly. Just look for him at your local park. He's the one tied to the tree. Don't worry; he's just baby-sitting his nephew.

Copyright 1994 David Charles