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Full-Time Dads;
The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 23
Programmed that "Big boys don't cry!" many men suppress feelings of anger or sadness. Required to be macho, men are deprived not only of their expression of negative feelings but also of their feelings of joy and love.
Over 40 years ago in the American Journal of Psychiatry, Leo Bartemeier, M.D., wrote, "Loving almost means being soft. Being gentle and kind almost means being sissy. A loving and gentle father is consciously or unconsciously looked upon as a psychological failure in the sense that he isn't really a 'he-man.'"
This damaging stereotypic armor has been cracked, but it must be ripped off and hurled away. Men of today must be free to feel. Some years ago, Samuel Osherson, author of Finding Our Fathers, pointed out that "Fathers have been overlooked for too long, by their own sons [and daughters] as well as by psychologists and others analyzing the family."
Whether absent or present, fathers are important in the lives of their children.
Men's loving energies nurture, validate, and empower. Fathers who exercise these energies strengthen their children-emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Men of feelings model for a healthier society.
How can fathers of today help their children to possess the world of feelings? Fathers can own their own feelings. When Dad chooses constructive outlets to deal with both negative and positive emotions, he sketches a blueprint for the child.
Dad can choose his behavior. He can respond after thinking rather than just reacting. Dad's behavior programs his children to respond in a similar way.
Also, Dad can create a warm atmosphere for conversation. He can listen quietly and fully when his children talk. Dad's "quiet listening" will show appreciation.
Dad can relax and consider what has been said before responding. Dad can avoid jumping in to advise, to criticize, to distract, to moralize, to placate, or to psychologize. He can avoid the urge to command or to interrogate or to be sarcastic.
When he curbs such conversation stoppers, he builds a loving relationship with his children. He helps his children to "practice" self-expression.
In conversations, Dad can invite his child to explore the world of feelings. He can say, "It sounds as if this is important to you." Or, he can show understanding with words like, "That must be frustrating (upsetting, perplexing, exciting, etc.) to you."
Dad can respond appropriately to how he believes his children feel whether they are angered or excited. Either way, he can acknowledge their feelings. Encouraging his children "to own" their own feelings builds relationships.
Even a modest, but genuine, "I'm listening" or "I hear what you're saying" places Father on their team. These conversation enhancers can keep Dad afloat in an ocean of feelings. (He can reserve his opinion for a neutral time.)
Responsibility is nurtured when children are permitted to own their own feelings and to deal with them. If the consequence of their choice of solutions is acceptable, they have a model for future use. If the consequence of their solution is faulty, they will know to try an alternate plan next time.
Either way, the child wins. Negative feelings have not simply been ignored or suppressed. Instead, the feelings have been met, embraced, and resolved in a constructive, and perhaps even rewarding, way.
Youngsters will learn not to look for others to blame or to praise. They will recognize this power within themselves, and they will savor their strength.
Allowing children to own their own negative feelings rather than trying to force them always to be happy fosters their inner strength. Their realization that sometimes it is okay to be unhappy promotes good health.
It is okay to be unhappy. It is okay to be upset. Everyone experiences these feelings from time to time. Perhaps times of joy are enhanced by the freedom to work through times of anger or sadness.
When Dad can feel safe to step back, relax, and expect his children to deal well with their own feelings, they often will do so. The youngsters become problem solvers not problem makers. Dad, in turn, rides a smooth wave back to shore instead of being pulled by an undercurrent into a bleary ocean of misunderstanding doomed to lose again and again.
Men must be free to deal with their negative feelings and to relish the positive. As father, as role model, communicator, supporter, and nurturer, the power of Dad's feelings will influence his children. Indeed, Dad will influence his children and perhaps even his grandchildren.
Linda Davis Kyle is a general interest and health writer whose works have been published in North America, Europe, and the Orient. You can visit her web site at http://home.earthlink.net/~daviskyle/
Copyright 1996 Linda Davis Kyle
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