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Full-Time Dads;
The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 23
A primary parent! Sounds great. But just what is this kind of parent? Do I qualify? After all, I am an involved dad. I take my son swimming, to ball games and even the supermarket. When possible, I attend his preschool ceremonies and struggle mightily to coordinate 4 year old kid games at his birthday party. Most nights, I end up putting him to bed.
Despite all this, I am not his primary parent-the parent with whom he has established his primary emotional bond. That distinction goes to his mother. His mother, after all, nursed him through his first year of life, stayed home to nurture him through toddlerhood and beyond, and remains more available to share his time as a preschooler. Nevertheless, this arrangement suits my wife and I quite well. But should it be the model for all couples? What if both father and mother work? If the working mother is entitled to equal rights and power in the workplace, shouldn't the working father likewise have equal influence at home with his children? Marriage is, after all, a union of equals. That includes equal responsibilities in child rearing and equal rights to emotional primacy with the children.
For fathers, being an equal parent means having the right to establish a primary emotional relationship with his child. It means having equal opportunity to nourish (bottle feed) his infant. If the mother nurses, the father still has the right to bottle feed one half of the time.
Parenting equality means equal opportunity for the father to spend time with, shop for, play with, feed, bathe, and diaper his child. It means giving him the time, skills and knowledge to develop his abilities as a nurturer. It entails raising his consciousness so he will reject lesser roles as mother's helper or back up parent; proudly assert his rights as a nurturer and then work towards achieving them. In sum, it means breaking through the glass ceiling that has kept most fathers from enjoying the intense emotional rewards and increased self esteem that result from a primary parent/child relationship.
For many fathers, primary parenting may not seem worth the effort. It requires acquiring new skills, hard work, motivation, and (not least) opportunity. Many may reasonably ask, Isn't just being involved with my child sufficient? In some cases, this is a valid position.
But in many instances, it is a perilous one. Not establishing a primary emotional bond with your child means accepting less power than your wife in parent-child matters. And, as mothers gain more and more power and financial rewards in the work place-while still retaining the emotional power with their children-fathers risk becoming a secondary (or even marginal) factor in the marriage, with a greater chance for having less power both at work as well as with the children. This threatens basic equality assumptions upon which a healthy marriage is based.
The greatest peril, however, is one which many fathers may prefer to avoid facing: the likely consequences if the couple divorces. This is not a pleasant thought, but one which must be confronted. The harsh reality is that 50% of all U.S. marriages will end in divorce. Many of them will involve families with children.
A father without a primary relationship with his children will usually end up becoming a non-custodial parent if his marriage collapses, regardless of how involved he was with his kids. Custody is almost always awarded to the person with the primary parent/child bond, and this is generally the mother.
Where does this leave the father? To deal with the pain of not living with his children and the financial burden of paying for child support. For most dads, this is a miserable situation.
To become primary parents, fathers need to raise their collective consciousness to the level where they believe that:
Once these realizations are accepted, the efforts needed to implement them can begin. And the benefits are immense, both to you, the children who receive your nurturing, and the marriage you strengthen by creating a more equal balance in parent/child roles.
Copyright 1996 Daniel Colodner
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