Rebirth of the Boy; Full-Time Dads Issue 23

Full-Time Dads;

The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers

Issue 23

Rebirth of the Boy

By Geoffrey J. Clark

What my father taught me growing up was how to survive, although he was not around ever to show me. My father abandoned my two brothers and me when we were 2, 3 & 4 years old. My mother also emotionally left and was institutionalized much of our early childhood years, leaving us on our own.

As a little boy, I was 'the observer,' observing among other things the relationships between my friends and their fathers. My friends would often complain that their fathers were needing them to do chores around the house, or help with mowing the law, fix a broken window, tightening a bike chain and how I envied them so. I envied those times my friends would spend with an older and wiser person. By being a keen observer I became adept at figuring things out alone, and I was very proud of my little accomplishments, alone.

My dad did not take me camping, or fishing, or boating. We did not spend time talking about sports, or taking part an engine, flying a kit, or even riding a bike. This I learned myself, by observing, mimicking, and practicing, alone.

I have learned to become a master of survival, surviving very difficult times, very frightening situations and challenging moments. In addition, my father also taught what not to do again to my sons.

I am now 36 years old, married, a college graduate, a successful investment portfolio manager and stock broker, and now the full-time father of two boys, Samuel, 2 months and Alexander, 16 months.

My wife, Sara has given me an opportunity many men rarely get, that being the chance to relive the childhood I never had. She has given me a chance to grow up again through the lives of Sam and Alex.

Many a day goes by now after a finicky feeding, the changing of a messy diaper, rocking away colic, bathing two at a time, and digging ever deeper for more patience, that I wonder where all these rewards are in this full-time dad business. Even today I can still clearly remember, beginning at around age four, feeling very scared, very homesick, often crying, being frightened, insecure, and worried. So, now when Alex looks at me, wondering where I am going or if I will be back (as I occasionally leave for an appointment without him) all those feelings as a kid flow back in me.

I have discovered over time that seeing is not feeling love or sharing love and this is my work in my adult life. I am eager to have an opportunity again to feel first hand what I could only see of the relationships my friends and their fathers enjoyed. I hope by teaching, sharing, and trusting with my boys they in turn will show me how to feel the things I missed, teach me the unconditional love, and help me rid myself of abandonment fears. Sara and I struggle with this often. It seems as a full-time dad I have this chance to start again from the beginning to grow up with my boys.

So I thank my dad for making me so keenly observant not to have missed this opportunity, I thank my boys in advance for their help in "raising" their parents and most importantly, I thank my wife, Sara, for letting me stay home and be a boy again.

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