Issue Index
Full-Time Dads;
The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers
Issue 24
My story begins in the delivery room with the birth of my first child, Christopher Grant.
Each rhythmic beat of the heart monitor filled the room with anticipation. Off in the near distance a bright light suddenly appeared, illuminating the room in preparation for the glorious event that was about to unfold. While one sound harbored the painful ecstasy of relief, another sound exploded into a frightened cry that brought new meaning to the word life. The birth of Christopher Grant was indeed a miraculous event to behold. His birth automatically catapulted me into fatherhood. Changing times and the age of technology offered me the opportunity to witness the birth of my child, but the duties of coach, director, photographer, and obligation to work didn't leave me with much time to enjoy Grant's birth. However, there was one special moment in the delivery room that I will never forget.
I marveled at the radiant look in my wife's eyes as the doctor handed Grant to her. She lovingly and gently embraced Grant with a splendor that revealed the physical and emotional bond mother nature entrusted to my wife, Tina, for nine months. The eventful and picturesque moment truly exemplifies the unquestionable bond that exists between mother and child.
I envied Tina. Her natural bond to Grant was so powerful that I could not even break it when I cut the umbilical cord. Although I felt exhilarated by the event I just witnessed, I also felt distant and disappointed that I couldn't find it within myself to celebrate my child's birth with the same intense exuberance mother and child shared with each other. Abruptly without warning, motherly love overshadowed my zealous aspirations of fatherhood. Undoubtedly the mother's natural and undeniably powerful bond meets the needs of the baby in ways that fatherhood cannot. Nevertheless, I discovered that is is innately possible for the equally powerful father/child bond to occur naturally.
Mother nature purposefully entrusted the woman to act as the incubator. I can only surmise that the most obvious reason is the physiological make up of the woman's body. Beyond that I deduce that the entire recorded span of human behavior through cultural standards, peer pressure, and society's expectations conditioned men and women to associate motherly love with nurturer based solely on gender. Unfortunately, this culturally shared understanding of motherly love creates an ambiguous image of fatherhood.
My introduction to fatherhood was filled with ambiguous images. As a fatherless child there was little to remind me of any positive images of men as fathers. As a non-traditional stay-at-home father, people exhibited little faith in me as a nurturing father. And as a father of a child with special needs, people underestimated the power of fatherly love.
The mixed messages I received also made me ambivalent about fatherhood. It began with medical professionals, educators and corporate America, who rarely acknowledged my concerns, accommodated my needs, and valued my role as a member of the family support team. Surprisingly, the greatest obstacle arose in my won home when I entered "mother's turf." Tina instinctively guarded her domestic domain with unrealistic expectations of how to dress, feed, nurture the child, and run the household. Their assessment of me as the "disposable parent" was not administered with any degree of premeditation, but rather out of conditioning. However, I also unknowingly misconstrued my image of fatherhood.
Fatherhood is primarily associated with the role of provider, protector, and disciplinarian. Little, if any thought is given to associate the word nurturer with fatherhood. Like most men, I viewed the word "nurture" as an uncharacteristic and unnatural behavior, one that society defines as a feminine characteristic, and a sign of weakness in men. In spite of the criticism, skepticism, and scrutiny, I endure in my non-traditional role as the nurturing father, I admirably fulfill the role of fatherhood with jeopardizing my masculinity.
Juxtaposed to my role as the financial provider, I provide emotional support to my family. Alongside my role as the watchful protector, I devote time to foster the growth and development of my child. And as a replacement for the disciplinarian/warden, I am a coach, teacher, and most importantly, a positive role model for my child. In doing so, despite my insecurities, I discovered the true meaning of fatherly love.
My hands on experience in the last four years is evidence of the nurturing skills any man can acquire if just given the chance. Thanks to our second child, Wesley, who was born with a genetic disorder, I discovered the true meaning of unconditional love. He enlightened my life in ways I never dreamed of. Matthew, our third child, is also living proof. From the day he was born, two years ago, I have been his primary caretaker. The first words out of his mouth were da-da, and whenever he looks for comfort he comes to me first. The tremendous warm feeling I get from Matthew is indescribable. For the first time in my life I feel a sense of fatherly love that is equally as valuable as motherly love.
Copyright 1996 Hogan Hilling
Issue Index
Copyright. All rights reserved.