Issue Index

Full-Time Dads;

The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers

Issue 24

The Manly Art of Parenting

By Laurence Segall

Children need their dads to be involved in the best and fullest development of their personalities. Today's society calls out for loving and involved fathers. Arthur Ashe said it most poignantly: "As Camera grows, I grow; as she lives, I live. I feel strong when I am with her, I feel the power of her youth and vitality. She (my daughter) taxes me at times, but I pay the tax willingly." Randall Nulton (Development director for National Center for Fathering) expresses his thoughts: "In general, when you have kids who know how to love them, they're going to have a better shot at life. We believe that being a dad is the most important responsibility a man has in his life." Joining the ranks of fatherhood in my 40s has enabled me to fully appreciate the above words. My partner, friend and special person, my wife Sherri tells it like it is: "You are the most important man in the world to our children. Others may foster our kids, but only you can father them." Daddyhood is a special state of being.

Working with fathers during the past decade has given me the unique opportunity to learn and grow from their insights. In essence, I have been taught the Special Secrets:

1. An effective father maintains a high level of commitment and motivation.
2. An effective father is aware of who his children are and what they need.
3. An effective father is consistent in mood and behavior.
4. An effective father is a protector and a provider.
5. An effective father nurtures a strong marital relationship.
6. An effective father works at being an active listener.
7. An effective father spiritually equips his children.
8. Always be nice to your children. You never know who'll they're grow up to be. (Kirk Douglas)

Richard Louv in "Fatherlove" offers this definition: "Fatherlove represents the fulfillment, the completeness of masculinity and ultimately the transcendence of gender. It is an elliptical elixir: Fatherlove = Love Father. What we give, we receive, what we receive, we give to the future." Every father needs to engage his children with affection. Unconditional love creates an atmosphere of comfort and security. My wife's friend shared her thoughts about her husband: "Danielle has a father who does more than just love her. He is there for her, always. My generation did not grow up with fathers like that. My husband is there to play with her, to teach, comfort, and build with her a bond of special moments and memories." These words are the benchmarks for the 90s. When I recently asked a friend this question: What do fathers do? "As little as they can get away with," he answered. He was describing the way our culture views fathers. It is time for our culture to reconnect masculinity and fatherhood. Married, single or divorced, a man is enhanced by fatherhood. He can become more than the sum of his parts; he can be a nurturer and a warrior, a provider and a home mate/worker. Ken Canfield, Director for the National Center for Fathering says: "Fathering will emerge in the 90s as one of the most powerful ways that man can express himself." I hope so, since a recent Gallup survey depicts a more pessimistic look at fathering.

• More than seven in ten of those surveyed agree that the most significant problem facing American families is the physical absence of the father in the home.
• Nine in ten agree that fathers need to be more involved in their children's education; 56% believe that fathers do not know what is going on in their children's lives.
• Half of those surveyed agree that fathers are spending less time with their children than did fathers of the previous generation.

Yes, dads, we have a lot to do for our children and the challenge is exciting and very rewarding. Dual career couples face unique time pressures. Noted pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton has these suggestions to enhance parenting:

1. Make it a point to get close to your children as soon as you get home. Sit with them in a rocking chair or hold them on the couch and talk about their/your day.
2. Involve your children in what you do when you get home, so that you all have as much time together as a family as possible.
3. Spend time alone with each of your children at least once a week, doing something special with each child.

My comrades in parenting-the mandate is clear. Letty Pogrebin offers this challenge: "Don't be the man you think you should be. Be the father you wish you had." The truth is, we are still finding our way as dads. Fatherlove is like any kind of love. It's impossible to define, but we know and feel it.

What can we do to embrace positive daddying:

• Say to ourselves and to others: I am a father and I am proud of it.
• In every way possible, reconnect fatherhood and manhood.
• View fatherhood as multidimensional; see it as the ultimate of masculinity, as an ongoing adventure.
• Communicate openly about the double messages and hidden agenda issues between both sexes.
• See parenting as an equal partnership between mom and dad.
• Spread the word about the benefits of being good fathers.
• Open the channels of communication for men to talk with each other about parenting-and to talk to mothers about parenting.
• Value work, but not at the expense of your children. Integrate your kids into the world of work.
• Tell abusive/abandoning dads what you think of their behavior. Men need to talk to other men and share their concerns and feelings.

Being a father today is a constant struggle to hold onto family amidst competing demands to be a success at work; we have to invent ourselves as good, present and involved dads. In a recent Child Magazine survey of "what makes a good father", over 75% of the respondents said that emotional availability" and "being there" were essential. We begin to know our kids and encourage them to talk to us just be being there. The connection may happen on the walk and talk to the supermarket. Our sons and daughters want/need dads who are warm and affectionate. Some ways to encourage our children while giving unconditional love, acceptance and support are:

• Give a hug.
• Tell your children you need their help and show it.
• Refrain from criticism.
• Share with him/her.
• Smile/wink.
• Listen/laugh at your children's stories.
• Care about him/her.
• Be interested, really interested in what he/she says and does.

Watching my two daughters, Alexandra (age 7) and Dana (age 4) grow up is pure joy. As Dana recently said: "I really love my nursery school-it's just that I don't want to go-I am a riding around and shopping animal." Or as Aly puts it so well: "Dad, wake up and smell the coffee." I beam with pride when they go and accomplish something special, unique to their own talents and interests. Children are fascinating, irrestistable beings and it's only natural for MANLY PARENTS to want to know each of our children intimately. I cannot say it any better than Richard Louv: "I want to be a father until the day I die." The beginning of knowing and relating...

Copyright 1996 Laurence Segall