Neanderthal kids never needed braces!
by Tim Cerantola
I recently took my (twin) daughters to the dentist for their regular
check-up. After asking Doctor Bob about their arriving adult teeth, he sadly shook his
head and then, with a distant look of sympathy said...
"Well Tim, due to some overcrowding, their teeth are coming in a little
crooked and there are a few other problems..." He went on to add that he would
not rule out the need for braces - for both of my daughters.
Oh boy, I thought to myself. This could get expensive - especially with
identical twin sets of wandering teeth. For those of you who don't know the trials of
identical twins, everything always happens in two's - and we usually have to buy two of
everything. For us, there is no such thing as hand-me-downs.
Of course with braces, there can't be hand-me-downs. Although, I saw
that 20/20 news program on TV, where this orthodontist - in an effort to increase his
profits, recycled parts of used braces. Dr. Bob assured
me that nothing like this ever happens here in Niagara Falls.
"Bob, please," I begged, holding back my tears. "Tell me it's possible,
that if I hope and pray and believe in fairies, their teeth will work
themselves in straight."
It was then that Bob smiled. "Tim, it's hard to say. You can give that
"fairy" thing a shot, but as far as I know they only work with baby teeth
- they don't do orthodontic work."
Then, Bob just stood there with a look of wonder in his eyes. As a
fishing enthusiast, I'm sure he was dreaming of all the great fishing gear
straightening two sets of wayward teeth represented.
"I'll tell you straight." Bob continued, as he handed me a tissue to
dry my tears of financial woe. "Tim, the truth is, in my expert opinion,
an orthodontist and two kids with braces are in your future."
I like Dr. Bob. He's a straight shooter and truly a great dentist. Over
the years, we've developed a mutual trust. I trust his dental expertise
completely and he puts his fingers in my mouth. Hey, if that's not trust?
In my fantasy world, I had always dreamed that my daughters would be as brilliant as
Albert Einstein. As gentle and as giving as Mother
Theresa. As beautiful as Marilyn Monroe and, have lovely straight teeth
- just like Marie Osmond. But that was my fantasy world.
Here in the real world, every day, millions of parents spend thousands of their hard
earned dollars realigning their children's migratory molars
into neat little rows! "Tell me Bob, why is this happening to so many people?" I
whined, er... asked.
Bob looked thoughtful for a minute and then replied. "Well Tim, you see in these
modern evolutionary times, people generally don't have wide enough jaws for the 32 teeth
nature assigned them. Today,
most of us can only handle a deck of 28. Any more than that and we all
start to look like the nutty professor!
Now, way back in the olden days of Neanderthal man, humans had enormous
jaws and could handle all the teeth that mother nature could throw at them. But, as we
evolved, for some reason our jaws became smaller - well except for Jay Leno of course. And
now, overcrowding of teeth is very common. In a nutshell, I guess those neanderthal chicks
just didn't dig the guys with the big jaws any more."
So there it was. Damned neanderthals! I should have become a orthodontist. If I had, right
now I'd probably be out golfing or fishing as visions of crooked teeth danced in my head -
each fugitive set representing a large appliance or small automobile.
When I finally got home and told my wife, she didn't seem surprised at the news - although
I thought I heard her mutter under her breath, "I should have married a guy with a
big jaw - like Jay Leno."
Cerantola is a humor writer and house-dad based in Niagara Falls.
© 1998 Tim Cerantola reprinted with permission
E-mail: tceranto@npiec.on.ca
