Guest Columnists
Is It Soup Yet?
by
KC Blake
Sometimes,
in our fast paced society, we forget that relationships
do not just happen, rather they grow. People become
dearer to us with the passing of time, and the making of
memories. In stepfamilies, particularly, there exists the
misconception that immediate harmony is possible. Joining
into a stepfamily plunges us into intimate minglings with
virtual strangers. Naturally, we hope to quickly bond
with our mates offspring, in fact, it may seem crucial to
the relationship that we do....but "instant
love" is an impossible fantasy. It is that very
pressure that leads us to unrealistic goals and certain
sorrow.
From the
onset, a step-family is an outgrowth of losses for the
original family; death, divorce, or abandonment.
Remarraige represents the end of childrens' natural dream
for parents to reunite. A joyous beginning for the adults
can be a sad time of change and adjustment for all
youngsters involved. Such a monumental regrouping can
leave everyone feeling overwhelmed and ambivalent.
Blending family
members
with conflicting objectives, invariably makes for a long,
rocky road.
There are
several factors which seem to affect the time and
severity of this adjustment process:
- NUMBER
OF CHILDREN INVOLVED
- BOTH
PARTIES REMARRYING? (2 sets of visitation/diovrce
decrees...2 ex's...stepsiblings...etc.)
- AGES
OF CHILDREN
- HOW
RECENT WAS THE DIVORCE(S)
- ARE
ORIGINAL BIOPARENTS CAPABLE OF CO-PARENTING
AMICABLY?
- PERSONALITY
TYPES/CONFLICTS
- LEVEL
OF RESENTMENT (ALL MEMBERS)
This might
seem like too much for any family to overcome, but
triumph IS possible. Facing the challenges with eyes open
and letting go of unreasonable expectations can help all
parents to better cope. Time commitment, counseling, and
support will all fortify you in your quest. True change
and success do not come easily or quickly. Give yourself
and those in your new family the time and space to find
their own way. It takes TIME to make peace with
"what is" and relinquish "what is
not".
Family
success is a lifelong work in progress. Give it time to
simmer, and in spite of the difficulties along the way,
learn to savor that time. Remember, you are building a
new life, a new legacy; one that you will hopefully,
eventually, feel proud of.
KC Blake's
work originally appeared in:
"Life's Landmine's to Landscape's": A
Stepfamily Newsletter their url is http://members.aol.com/Lifestep
Read
KC's bio to find out more about her.
If
you have a story that you think others would be
interested in please send it a long to us. We'd love to hear from you.
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