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TRUST BEFORE HONOR

by Tom Sullivan

There is nothing in nature more delicate than a child’s mental and emotional balance. And nothing contributes to this balance of the psyche more than trust. Trust is the food and drink that sustains all relationships, especially the precious relationship between a father and his child.

One of the most dangerous and damaging attitudes within relationships is taking the other person for granted. Nowhere is this more pronounced than in father-child relationships. I was one of those that took his daughter for granted, and almost lost one of the most important relationships in my life! I had to learn the hard way.

I am a recovering addict and have been clean for nearly seven years. Yet in the height of my addiction, nothing was more important to me than my immediate gratification. I was what you would call a "functional" addict. I worked every day, went to church, took part in social activities, dated regularly, and appeared in every way to be in charge of my life.

I divorced from my children’s mother in December 1982 and proceeded to "find myself" and "get my life in order." I had been in an active addiction for many years and believed I was in charge of my life, I just had some "loose ends" that needed to be tidied up.

Shortly after the divorce, my former wife seemed to be spiraling out of control based on some of her antics described by my daughter. Without going into specifics, let’s just say she was "sowing her wild oats." Her behavior wouldn’t have been so bad, had it not been for the fact that she was the custodial parent of two children who needed her very much. Being puffed with righteous indignation, I mounted a successful campaign to get custody of my daughter, who was then 14 years old.

My former wife was between the proverbial rock and a hard place. There wasn’t a court in the land that would have denied me custody based on my daughter’s wish to live with me. She was old enough to make that decision, and my former wife knew it. The custody change took place without fanfare.

My daughter and I rented an apartment and our life together began. As time went on my addiction progressed. I became more seclusive, moody, and isolative. My daughter asked me several times if I was all right and I told her I was fine. The period of lying and covering up had begun and I felt powerless to do anything about it. My addiction was very cunning and powerful. I was no match.

One particular evening, I was so stoned out of my mind that I couldn’t stay awake. My daughter sensed that something was wrong because I would nod off in the middle of a sentence. She said that she attempted to awaken me, but I had passed out.

The next morning as we were getting ready to start our day, she asked me what was wrong the night before. I told her that I was just tired and that I needed to rest. She then point-blank asked me if I was using drugs and I told her that I wasn’t. This began a six-month period of denials, lies, and cover-ups that eventually led to disaster.

The crux of the situation was that I eventually got arrested for unlawfully obtaining prescription medication and shattered the trust that my daughter had for me. I will never forget the confrontation with my daughter, in my parent’s living room, and my feelings of humiliation, embarrassment, and defeat. I will also never forget the look in my daughter’s eyes, and her feelings of betrayal. She felt deceived, used, and discounted. All of her feelings were valid.

My daughter moved out of our apartment and moved in with her maternal grandmother. She wouldn't accept my phone calls or mail. She cut off all contact with me to protect and heal herself. And because of my total self-centeredness, I couldn’t understand why she wanted nothing to do with me.

I was arrested in February 1985, was convicted of two felonies and one misdemeanor in July 1985, and was sentenced to six months in a Federal work release center, followed by three months of house arrest.

Nine months after my arrest, my daughter suddenly agreed to talk with me and begin to sort out the debris of our lives. This is where my Higher Power stepped in and began doing for me what I was incapable of doing for myself.

Although it would be another six years before I would get and stay clean, miracles began and change evolved. My daughter and I talked frequently and started putting the pieces of our shattered lives back together. The one thing that was paramount in rebuilding our relationship was being honest with one another.

There’s an old saying that says, "You can’t save your face and your ass at the same time." I could not justify the loss of my child to an attitude of "fatal hipness." There are lessons in life, and then there are lessons in life. I had to learn trust before honor.

It literally took years to rebuild the trust with my daughter. Throughout those years, I had to practice honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. Willingness was the key. I had to be willing to listen to what my daughter was saying. I had to be open-minded to new ideas and concepts. I had to be honest, regardless of the consequences. Losing my daughter for nearly a year was enough of a consequence for lying.

I had to set pride aside. I had to feel the fear and do it anyway, whatever "it" was. Throughout the whole process of re-establishing our relationship, my daughter and I have become best friends. That’s not to say that we haven’t torqued each other off on occasion.

I’ve been so angry with her at times I’ve wanted to spit. She’s been so angry with me at times, she’s wanted to hang me out to dry. But we’ve always talked about it. We both have permission to ventilate our feelings. That’s the key, talking about how we feel.

Today, I have five grandsons, all from my daughter. If my daughter wanted to go somewhere, she could and would ask me to baby sit the boys. Thirteen years ago, she wouldn’t have trusted me to take out her garbage. Now she’ll trust me with the lights of her life! Tell me that miracles don’t happen today.

Today I cherish the precious relationship I have with my first born. Today I appreciate the trust that sustains all that we have, and all that we are to each another. Today I embrace the mental and emotional balance that we have achieved through hard work, honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness.

Read Tom's bio to find out more about him.

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